Her Thoughts

She did not quite know how to think of him - but she did think of him a lot. All the times they had spent together and all the times they had not. She'd laugh at some of the memories and cringe at some of them. At the end of it all, her eyes would be moist. Well, frankly there was no end, because she thought about him endlessly. No matter how much she tried to divert her attention to the mundane tasks of everyday living, she would find herself thinking of him through it all. Earlier it used to surprise her that whenever she paid attention to what she was thinking, she would find him. Sometimes overwhelming her thoughts and sometimes lurking in the background. But he was there - always there. There had been a time when she had seriously tried to disassociate her thoughts with their focal point. She gave up when she realized the effort was draining her more than doing anything else. He still stayed there. In the middle of her thoughts as her life revolved more and more away from him. She marveled at the feeling sometimes. How could one be so connected to a person who they were not associated with any way except in the far past? Yet, there he was, above everything else, always there. Gradually she stopped analyzing the whys, hows and why not's and just went along with whatever came to her mind. Gradually her memories began to manifest themselves in tangible ways. She could hear him telling her that he loved her, she could feel his hand holding hers, she could feel his caresses, she could smell his presence....there were so many things. She carried him with her. The burden became lighter as she gave up on things that were not related to him. In the beginning when life held her in it grip, she felt like she would choke under the burden. But as she gingerly took steps away from life, the weight became more of a necessity. She created a void so that it could be filled with what she could not get away from. It was easier to give up on life and she did. Slowly but surely. Did that make her happy? She was not sure. Happiness was a thing of the past. She did not even know if she had ever felt true happiness. Even if she had, it had been so long ago, she had forgotten everything about it. She asked herself sometimes what would make her happy? His presence? Him being a part of her life like he had been once? She was not sure. Memories tend to soak up the good times while softening the impact of the bad ones. Reality blurred in her mind and she knew it. There were so many things. There was love of course but with it came a lot of other things. Things that managed to make life take on a course that seemed to suggest that love alone was not enough. If only she had believed..he had believed..they had believed that love was enough. But they had not. He had not. His uneasiness used to puzzle her. Ultimately it destroyed her trust. She could not take the risk of loving him all her life. She did not. He had walked off. Relieved? She was not sure. But he had walked off easily. She felt happy to have taken that decision. A man who could leave her so easily and never look back was not worth his presence. Yes he was best relegated to a place where he could do no harm. Where he could be controlled. Where his image could be distorted to fit whatever image she wanted of him. Where he could be God sometimes and the evil incarnate when she felt like it. Yes it was easier to live with him in her thoughts, than to actually live with him. She smiled. Finally! She had sorted him out! Sorted her thoughts out. It was time to move on.