Maybe I was too hard on him, I thought as I drove back to my nest. I was surprised that I was thinking about someone after about 15 minutes after I had met them. Generally it takes me about 2 minutes to wipe all the unpleasantness associated with interacting with someone.
"No" I had answered tersely. I found his jaw drop - don't think he was used to being rejected - so devastatingly good looking was he. Yes, his good looks did affect for me for like 35 seconds - the "Yes" had almost slipped out in those 34 seconds, before I willed myself to say a "No". Yes, it had taken all my will power but I was sure I had done something that was not done to this Greek God ever. I wondered what had attracted him to me. I was easily not one of the best looking of the female species. In fact if I could rate myself, I would hover myself in the area of less than average to plain ugly with emphasis on the later.
My mother had lamented more than once on my looks or rather lack of it and had even attributed my being a loner to it. I would say it was a classic case of giving more credit than is due. I paid no attention to how I looked. As long as I was not wearing torn clothes and did not smell like I had just stepped out of the gutter, I was fine. In fact I loved being plain, it removed a lot of fuss around me. I could walk in the middle of the road and be virtually un-noticeable. That was exactly how I had wanted my life to be - void of any distractions. As was usual, I had not ever denied nor confirmed my mom's expert analysis of the situation!
I closed the book I had been intently poring on. If only that damn librarian had allowed me to check that book out, I would have been spared of this torture. Damn, Damn, Damn! If only that mand had left me alone for a few more minutes, my research would have been done and I would have been sleeping peacefully like a baby. I loathed him. And that was the beginning and end of my love story - it had lasted more than a couple of hours. Enough to jolt me a little, but satisfying that I had passed an unexpected test of my innate character. That marked the beginning of another love story - one where I loved myself and who I was. The best love story of all because you control it and you have power over you. It boggles my mind how an individual can not only transfer the power over self to another individual so easily, but also fall head over heels to do that!
The only other time my mom had incited more than a dull stare in her direction apart from when she was dying was when she wondered about my marriage. Her opinion was that all good girls get married. All the self content smugness in her vanished when I retorted back with - "Well Ma, I am not a good girl!" The subject of marriage was never brought up again. Yes, I had a knack of making life give me what I wanted. No wonder I was in love with myself!
This knack not only made me a narcissist but also had other effects on my life. Love and I don't just mean the romantic kind of love - binds you, enslaves you and effectively eats away at your roots - slowy but surely erodes your individuality. Conciously and/or unconciously you tend to behave in a certain way that impresses the one that you love - you are a different person when you are with your mom, a different person with your lover, a completely different one with your friends and most certainly an ass with your kids you can't just stay true to your emotions and ambitions. If you do then you are termed a selfish person who cannot see beyong oneself, who does not care about anyone else..blah blah and more blah blah. I don't understand the logic in not being the #1 person in your own life! The whole play of a guilty conscience comes into the picture and if not the relationships, then this tumult within oneself will steam roll you into submission- to act according to the norms of the society - to take care of your loved ones, more than yourself! I have seen this happen with people around me who gradually loose their focus and a person who once held a lot of promise just withers away in the face of these emotional connections. To me they bring nothing but ruin to oneself and since I have already established the fact that I love myself, I have stayed away from these banalities called relationships all my life.
I have and still scoff at people who have questioned the purpose of my existence! What does she get out of life being all by herself. Who is there to celebrate her successes and who is there to share her joys and sorrows? Such a loner, how could she be happy? While I welcome their concern (NOT!), I would love to sock their concerned jaws with a blow that would wipe away all their silly poking into other people's lives. But to answer them I would say - nothing gives me more satisfaction than overcoming an obstacle all by myself. Even if I did not, I could just get up and try again or give up or whatever. I definitely don't need someone to pick me up, goad me to go on and then watch me fall. I'd rather fall, get up myself and do whatever I feel like doing - not do it for the sake of someone who needs me to be strong. I don't want to give anyone the satisfaciton of sharing my successes. They are all mine and I am mighty proud of them. So also my failures. I can't blame anyone except myself and that makes me try harder to overcome them.
I looked down from my book. The questionnaire. I had completely forgotten about it. I had refused the interview, so they had sent me this form.
How does it feel to be running for the position of the most powerful person in the world? Pretty good - I jotted down.
Are you confident you are going to win? Yes.
Being on top sometimes can be lonely. How does it feel up there? Awesome..
You are accused of being a loner. Are you? Yes.
Who or what do you attribute your success to? Me being a loner!
I switched off the TV. It isn't fun to watch myself being flanked by almost every important personality in the world! No matter who you are surrounded by its pretty nauseating to be in the midst of so many people.
**The End**
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