I have been meaning to write this blog for a long time but, with my podcast writing going full swing, my blog writing has taken a back seat. However, I saw something today that compelled me to write in the middle of creating an AI strategy document.
Like most people who work in tech, I occasionally take a break by scrolling through social media. Or perhaps that’s just me assuming that what is normal for me must be normal for everyone else. Either way, during one of those much-needed breaks, I came across a post in one of the Facebook groups I belong to.
A woman had posted a photograph of her crush. She explained that he had blocked her everywhere and was asking the group how she could get back in touch with him.
One member replied, “If he’s blocked you everywhere, have some respect and move on.”
To that she replied, first, “I like him.”
Moments later, she corrected herself.
“I love him.”
Almost as though she’d thought about it for a moment and realized this wasn’t merely a crush—it was love.
Twenty or even thirty years ago, I might have sympathized with her. I probably would have thought, Poor girl. She’s hopelessly in love. Even if I hadn’t encouraged her, I might have silently hoped that somehow things would work out.
Today, however, my reaction was very different.
This is the comment I wanted to write.
“You say you are in love with this man. Yet this is a man who has clearly told you, through his actions, that he does not want you in his life. He has blocked you everywhere. You have even posted photographs that appear to have been taken from his display pictures. Have you stopped to ask yourself what love actually is?
Let’s assume, just for a moment, that you really do love him. Imagine he unblocks you, you become a couple, and one day he cheats on you. Would you still love him in the same way? Would you continue pursuing him with the same determination? Probably not. Most people wouldn’t.
So why is cheating unacceptable, but blocking you somehow isn’t? If love were truly unconditional, as people so often claim, then neither should matter. Yet they clearly do.”
In my opinion—and I know this may be unpopular—romantic love without reciprocation often begins as nothing more than a crush.
You were right the first time. You like him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Some people make your heart beat faster. You see their photograph, you imagine what life with them might be like, and then your food arrives and you forget about them for a while. That’s healthy. The problem isn’t the crush. The problem is when the crush refuses to accept reality.
When someone has blocked you everywhere, the healthiest response isn’t to find another way into their life. It’s to walk away. Yes, unrequited love exists. I am not arguing otherwise.
Parents continue loving estranged children. People continue loving spouses who have died. Stories and films have celebrated enduring love for centuries.
That is not the kind of love I am talking about.
I am talking about romantic love that slowly crosses the line into obsession.
When someone clearly tells you—through words or actions—that they do not want you in their life, continuing to force yourself into that life is no longer love.
Love them if you must.
But let them go.
With time, even that love softens. It may remain somewhere in the quiet corners of your memory, but it no longer controls you.
I’ve watched people exhaust themselves trying to obtain love that was never available in the first place.
Which makes me wonder:
Is it really the person they want?
Or is it simply the challenge?
The real problem begins when you convince yourself that you need to be part of someone’s life regardless of whether they want you there.
That, to me, is not love.
That is being in love with the idea of being in love.
You simply need an object for your affection.
The individual almost becomes interchangeable.
You believe it is this person you love, but in reality, your emotional experience is entirely internal. Their feelings, their choices, and even their indifference hardly matter.
If none of those things matte…then what does? Only the name?
As William Shakespeare famously wrote:
“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”
(I know… rather ironic that I’m quoting arguably the most celebrated juvenile love story ever written.)
Real love isn’t just about loving someone’s smile, or the way their hair falls across their forehead—or doesn’t.
It is also about loving the way they look at you. The way they make you feel seen. The way their presence changes your world. If that second half doesn’t exist, perhaps what you’re in love with is not the person at all, but your own imagination of them. I also don’t believe unconditional romantic love exists. At the very least, we all have conditions. You probably wouldn’t continue loving someone if they turned out to be a murderer or a rapist.
Well…There’s your condition.
So to all the starry-eyed romantics out there, let me leave you with this.
If someone does not want you in their life, believe them. Move on. Love is not measured by how intensely you chase someone who is running away from you.
Love is measured by how naturally two people walk toward one another.
Anything that requires one person to keep chasing while the other keeps escaping may be longing.
It may be hope.
It may even be obsession.
But it isn’t the kind of love that builds a life.
