A loner - that's what I have been termed all my life. I guess its not such a bad thing to be termed as, if the other terms used to describe you have been titles like weirdo, whacko, pyscho, retard etc etc. Yes, I have referred to with all these colorful adjectives at one stage of my life or the other, but the one that has stuck with me has been - The Loner.
"She is such a loner..." I have heard in hushed tones.
"You are a loner, aren't you?" Some people have been more direct.
"Why are you such a loner?" I have heard the frustration a few times.
"How can you be such a loner?" Fascination even?
The list goes on. I go on being a 'loner'.
I don't know how it started. I guess it has been with me all along. My mother tells me that I was the easiest of babies to handle. That I never cried for attention. She wanted me to cry, wanted me to reach out to her to fulfill her motherly duties of attending to her needy child. I did not. The only time I had cried had been when I would be physically hurting but apparently never for wanting someone to look after me. That seemed to have irked my mom no end. She wanted to complain about her vocal girl who needed her mom every second - just like all her friends did - but she did not know how. She did not know what constituted a wailing baby looking for someone to pick them up. She had to do with me. Always quiet, content in my own little baby world -wanting to play on my own, happy with whatever situation I found myself in.
"You were such a loner!" my mom would sigh and repeat for I am sure the one hundred thousandth time at least if I had been counting.
I do not remember any of these things, so I can't neccasarily put my view across on how my mind used to function at that point in time. But I sure can do so now and that is the point of this story. To give the world an insider's view of a loner's world - my world!
The first time I realized that I was drastically different from any kid around me was when I went to one of my classmate's 8th birth day party. I don't remember his name right now, but I do remember that my mother had insisted that I should go. I was never invited anywhere, thankfully, so this situations had not presented itself before, but this time around the whole class has gotten invitation and I had grudgingly accepted the invitation that was thrust into my hands. I had destroyed it as soon as I could get out everyone's view but Rien's mom(there I do remember the name) had called my mom personally to invite me. My mom was all excited. She made such a big fuss, I was not even sure I would last through it. She took me shopping to buy something exquisite for Rien. What does he like? What does he play with? Did he tell you what he might want for his birthday? The questions just barged one after the other. I do not know how I hated at that moment more - my mom or Mrs.Rien. I would be sitting on my bed right now, curled up like a ball and having fun being with myself. Instead I was being dragged though all these brightly colored stores looking to find that elusive perfect gift that would make Rien go 'woo hoo' for a few seconds. Yes, it was Rien who was to blame. I did not even wish him 'Happy Birthday' and just sat by myself on the bench looking at my shoes - the ones that my mom has gotten me that day as a way to brighten up my mood. It had gotten even worse because I was comfortable in my older ones. They seemed to have gotten used to the shape of my feet so snugly, the new ones were too loose and I did not like the design either.
"Don't you want a piece of cake?" I looked up to see a smiling Mrs.Rien holding a plate of ginormous pieces of cake.
I shook my head?
"You want anything else, sweetie?" she asked with that silly grin still adorning her perfectly made up admittedly pretty face.
"Yes" I murmured.
"Yes?" she encouraged me.
"Leave me alone!" I spat out. That wiped the silly grin off her face and gave way to an even sillier expression of shock.
"Did you have a good time darling?" My mom asked me hoping against hope.
"No!" I said defiantly. She sank in the chair.
"Everything all right..." it was Mrs.Rien again.
"Yes...I am ..."
"Rien loves the gift you got him" she told my mom.
"oh! Thank you!"
"Your daughter on the other hand seemed to be in a bad mood. I hope she is not sick or something"
"Thank you. No she's not."
"Oh! Is that just the ways she is?"
"Yes..that is exactly the way she is!"
"A loner - eh?"
"A loner yes!"
That's the first time I heard the word...a word that has come to stick with me throughout my life.
(...to be continued)
Monday, March 21, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Feeling like a teenager...
How many years it has been since I -
1.had a picture of a current heartthrob on my desktop?
2.got up to watch India play (and loose) a cricket match at 3 in the morning?
3.played a game online.
4.Read a book.
5.Worked out.
6.Blogged more frequently than once very couple of years!
7.was happy being myself.
Well the answer is right now!
Woohoo life seems to be taking a turn for the better as:
1. I stare at Zaheer Khan staring back at me from the desktop.
2. I am still recovering from the blow India dealt in tie-ing with England and
loosing to SA
3.Scrabble is such a fun game though my win percent is about 11
4. Jules Verne Treasure Island what vivid descriptions
5. Being able to get up at 5 am every other day for a workout rocks!
6. Writing regularly on 2 blogs for over a month now!
7. yes its wonderful to be me!
1.had a picture of a current heartthrob on my desktop?
2.got up to watch India play (and loose) a cricket match at 3 in the morning?
3.played a game online.
4.Read a book.
5.Worked out.
6.Blogged more frequently than once very couple of years!
7.was happy being myself.
Well the answer is right now!
Woohoo life seems to be taking a turn for the better as:
1. I stare at Zaheer Khan staring back at me from the desktop.
2. I am still recovering from the blow India dealt in tie-ing with England and
loosing to SA
3.Scrabble is such a fun game though my win percent is about 11
4. Jules Verne Treasure Island what vivid descriptions
5. Being able to get up at 5 am every other day for a workout rocks!
6. Writing regularly on 2 blogs for over a month now!
7. yes its wonderful to be me!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
My (ab)Normal life! (A short story)
Sometimes I wonder if it is the other way around? How could it be that the whole world is not normal? The easier option would be that I am not normal. But however hard I try to convince myself, I still feel that the whole world is mad and I am the only sane person living.
Well, it has not always been like this. Not long ago I felt like I was a part of this world. I felt a sense of belonging that came from being brought up in this world by a set of parents whose sole purpose in life seemed to be able to make their child fit well into this jigsaw of a world hopefully somewhere in the top echelons.
For a while I did exactly what was expected of me. I was an A grade student, which satiated my parent's appetite for being clubbed into the elite club of parents who raise extremely successful kids! I fell in love with a fellow classmate, one who was beautiful as well as extremely smart and intelligent. Once again that seemed to fall in place with the plan I thought I had architected for myself. A plan that would ensure great financial success, a solid marriage that would foster love and happiness, a career to would earn respect as well as professional satisfaction, a legacy to continue this plan in the form of kids who would allow me to join the elite club to which my parents were now life time members.
This is how life went on. Everywhere I went, I was envied. My life was sought after. My lectures valued. My wife admired. My children successful. Yes, everything was normal. But there was one thing that was not normal and that was me.
Life did not hold a charm anymore. The envious looks of people embarrassed me. My lectures which I thought defined my thinking seem to following the pattern of my life - they were getting repetitive. My wife morphed from being a stunning creature who I adored to just another human being who I accepted. My children had their own lives, their own ideas, their own successes and their own plans and I was actually thankful for that and not all bleary eyed unlike my 'normal' wife who never missed a chance to lament about how our children were deserting us. (read growing up!).
Normalcy was getting very boring. Life had come to a standstill. I was yearning to break out of it. I grew restless. I confided in some of my closest acquaintances. (I refused to consider anyone my friend. That was another part of me not being normal!)
"Take a vacation" one of them suggested. Vacation where? We had been to every nook of the world. The wonders of the world ceased to enthrall. The adventures did not hold the same thrill.
"Take a break" another one interjected. Break from being normal? How did one do that? Be not normal for a couple of weeks and be back to being normal all over again?
"Maybe you need a shrink". That suggestion amused me no end. The idea that someone else could analyze my feelings and my issues better than I could never ceased to make me smile.
Soon the advisors grew weary of giving advice. Slowly I was relegated to being a little whacky! Another definition for not being normal. That was actually a kind of relief to me. I did not need to pretend to be normal anymore. My wife actually believed I was going crazy and left me alone most of the time. Yes the rants, the lamentations would still break my peace, but neither was I held responsible for being sympathetic nor was I expected to come up with a solution to ward off everything sinister that was tormenting her in like 5 minutes. After all I was a genius in my professional life, so how could I be so dumb when it came to my personal one? Now that I was termed a not normal human being, I was allowed to be just that. Ah! The relief.
My children would grow quiet when I was around and did not seem to give me the immense satisfaction of taking care of my grand kids who normally would be a grandpa's cutest playthings. For me they were pests, plain and simple! So you can imagine my delight at this chain of events.
My friends would smile more and talk less in my company. My audience seemed to be more amused at my lectures and I did not miss the sly glances going around when I said something that was deemed out of the ordinary. It seemed like the world and I had come to the same conclusion about each other at the same time - that neither of us was normal.
Armed with this knowledge, I strode forward. No longer did I have to keep up the pretense. No longer did I have to adhere to a regimen. I could skip important (but very boring) family get-together's, did not have to offer any excuses for not remembering an important date in someone else's life, could give lectures without preparation and just ramble. Yes not being normal was a whole lot of fun than being the norm.
If you don't believe me, try it!
Well, it has not always been like this. Not long ago I felt like I was a part of this world. I felt a sense of belonging that came from being brought up in this world by a set of parents whose sole purpose in life seemed to be able to make their child fit well into this jigsaw of a world hopefully somewhere in the top echelons.
For a while I did exactly what was expected of me. I was an A grade student, which satiated my parent's appetite for being clubbed into the elite club of parents who raise extremely successful kids! I fell in love with a fellow classmate, one who was beautiful as well as extremely smart and intelligent. Once again that seemed to fall in place with the plan I thought I had architected for myself. A plan that would ensure great financial success, a solid marriage that would foster love and happiness, a career to would earn respect as well as professional satisfaction, a legacy to continue this plan in the form of kids who would allow me to join the elite club to which my parents were now life time members.
This is how life went on. Everywhere I went, I was envied. My life was sought after. My lectures valued. My wife admired. My children successful. Yes, everything was normal. But there was one thing that was not normal and that was me.
Life did not hold a charm anymore. The envious looks of people embarrassed me. My lectures which I thought defined my thinking seem to following the pattern of my life - they were getting repetitive. My wife morphed from being a stunning creature who I adored to just another human being who I accepted. My children had their own lives, their own ideas, their own successes and their own plans and I was actually thankful for that and not all bleary eyed unlike my 'normal' wife who never missed a chance to lament about how our children were deserting us. (read growing up!).
Normalcy was getting very boring. Life had come to a standstill. I was yearning to break out of it. I grew restless. I confided in some of my closest acquaintances. (I refused to consider anyone my friend. That was another part of me not being normal!)
"Take a vacation" one of them suggested. Vacation where? We had been to every nook of the world. The wonders of the world ceased to enthrall. The adventures did not hold the same thrill.
"Take a break" another one interjected. Break from being normal? How did one do that? Be not normal for a couple of weeks and be back to being normal all over again?
"Maybe you need a shrink". That suggestion amused me no end. The idea that someone else could analyze my feelings and my issues better than I could never ceased to make me smile.
Soon the advisors grew weary of giving advice. Slowly I was relegated to being a little whacky! Another definition for not being normal. That was actually a kind of relief to me. I did not need to pretend to be normal anymore. My wife actually believed I was going crazy and left me alone most of the time. Yes the rants, the lamentations would still break my peace, but neither was I held responsible for being sympathetic nor was I expected to come up with a solution to ward off everything sinister that was tormenting her in like 5 minutes. After all I was a genius in my professional life, so how could I be so dumb when it came to my personal one? Now that I was termed a not normal human being, I was allowed to be just that. Ah! The relief.
My children would grow quiet when I was around and did not seem to give me the immense satisfaction of taking care of my grand kids who normally would be a grandpa's cutest playthings. For me they were pests, plain and simple! So you can imagine my delight at this chain of events.
My friends would smile more and talk less in my company. My audience seemed to be more amused at my lectures and I did not miss the sly glances going around when I said something that was deemed out of the ordinary. It seemed like the world and I had come to the same conclusion about each other at the same time - that neither of us was normal.
Armed with this knowledge, I strode forward. No longer did I have to keep up the pretense. No longer did I have to adhere to a regimen. I could skip important (but very boring) family get-together's, did not have to offer any excuses for not remembering an important date in someone else's life, could give lectures without preparation and just ramble. Yes not being normal was a whole lot of fun than being the norm.
If you don't believe me, try it!
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