Good News: I was told by a self proclaimed psychic that I am a free spirit!
Bad News: She says my daughter is one too !
I am worried already ;-)
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Mind and Matter
One of the best things I did for myself the past few months has been to enroll in a morning exercise class. One fine day past your 30s it hits you that you are aging. You look around to see what you could do to reverse this process. You discover pretty fast that there is not really much you could do to reverse or stop the process but there are somethings that could be done that definitely slow the fast hurtling age of a truck down.
One of the first things you discover that aids this trying to break hard on the age accelerator is eating well. This is a great challenge especially where I live. Even to eat a simple thing like an apple or to drink a glass of milk, one has to go through a rigorous process of determining if this is actually good for you. For a long time I used to think that nothing was better. Alas! I did not know about genetic modification or pesticides that get absorbed or cows that are fed growth hormones. Also did not know that eating rice is like taking sugar by the spoonfuls. So started the research, looking for advice and generally making modifications to the way you eat. Though not the easiest things to do (and quite expensive I might add) this was doable.
The difficult part was taking time out to exercise, which is the second on the list of the essential things to do. Not only do you find exercise cumbersome, but once you have let yourself go without exercising for so many years, the creaks and the leaks discourage you big time. Sure, I have started to try to fall into a routine - trying to work on an elliptical, cycling early in the morning, late evening walks and so on. But none stayed more than at the most a couple of months. So my husband wasn't very much thrilled when I decided to join he early morning gym class, coz he did not have the faith that I would stick to it. Neither did I! The class met at 5:15. That meant I had to get up around 4:30. Considering that I would never go to sleep before midnight this was quite a challenge. Already, I was setting myself up to fail.
With nothing to loose, except my extra pounds, I started on it. I was promised the moon if I was disciplined. I was happy and I worked hard. Eating habits were easier to change once you were working so hard to shed those calories you had thoughtlessly gulped down a day earlier. Slowly, but surely I was getting fitter and I loved the feeling. I have always been an athlete in my school and college days. So running and moving come naturally to me. The one thing that held me back was always my stamina. Simply put, I did not have much of it. I would be huffing and puffing in no time at all. Also would get a stitch in the side and that would slow my progress big time. Running, walking or exercising for more than 30 minutes would drain me completely and I would struggle to keep up.
As we worked out through the winter, slowly but surely I was getting trained to not loose steam quick. Come summer and the goal was to go running/walking outside for an hour. I was not very much looking forward to it, because I had not tried to push my body in that way. A couple of walks and I realized I was getting much better. I was actually staying in the foremost group. That felt so good. That I was able to do it. That I was able to walk/run and do 4 miles in an hour without pushing myself too much.
Yesterday I got the pleasantest surprise when I realized that I finished first in our group and what more I could have gone longer without feeling like lying on the ground and dying! My coach called me her poster girl because I am fairly new to this exercise program. When someone asked how I was able to do it so effortlessly she replied for me saying - she has a determined head on her shoulders. I always knew that I had one but to have a body that seems to be complementing it and not giving up in the middle is truly a wonderful feeling.I realize now that the challenge is not putting mind over matter but putting mind and matter together and that seems to be coming along beautifully! 5 miles an hour here I come!
One of the first things you discover that aids this trying to break hard on the age accelerator is eating well. This is a great challenge especially where I live. Even to eat a simple thing like an apple or to drink a glass of milk, one has to go through a rigorous process of determining if this is actually good for you. For a long time I used to think that nothing was better. Alas! I did not know about genetic modification or pesticides that get absorbed or cows that are fed growth hormones. Also did not know that eating rice is like taking sugar by the spoonfuls. So started the research, looking for advice and generally making modifications to the way you eat. Though not the easiest things to do (and quite expensive I might add) this was doable.
The difficult part was taking time out to exercise, which is the second on the list of the essential things to do. Not only do you find exercise cumbersome, but once you have let yourself go without exercising for so many years, the creaks and the leaks discourage you big time. Sure, I have started to try to fall into a routine - trying to work on an elliptical, cycling early in the morning, late evening walks and so on. But none stayed more than at the most a couple of months. So my husband wasn't very much thrilled when I decided to join he early morning gym class, coz he did not have the faith that I would stick to it. Neither did I! The class met at 5:15. That meant I had to get up around 4:30. Considering that I would never go to sleep before midnight this was quite a challenge. Already, I was setting myself up to fail.
With nothing to loose, except my extra pounds, I started on it. I was promised the moon if I was disciplined. I was happy and I worked hard. Eating habits were easier to change once you were working so hard to shed those calories you had thoughtlessly gulped down a day earlier. Slowly, but surely I was getting fitter and I loved the feeling. I have always been an athlete in my school and college days. So running and moving come naturally to me. The one thing that held me back was always my stamina. Simply put, I did not have much of it. I would be huffing and puffing in no time at all. Also would get a stitch in the side and that would slow my progress big time. Running, walking or exercising for more than 30 minutes would drain me completely and I would struggle to keep up.
As we worked out through the winter, slowly but surely I was getting trained to not loose steam quick. Come summer and the goal was to go running/walking outside for an hour. I was not very much looking forward to it, because I had not tried to push my body in that way. A couple of walks and I realized I was getting much better. I was actually staying in the foremost group. That felt so good. That I was able to do it. That I was able to walk/run and do 4 miles in an hour without pushing myself too much.
Yesterday I got the pleasantest surprise when I realized that I finished first in our group and what more I could have gone longer without feeling like lying on the ground and dying! My coach called me her poster girl because I am fairly new to this exercise program. When someone asked how I was able to do it so effortlessly she replied for me saying - she has a determined head on her shoulders. I always knew that I had one but to have a body that seems to be complementing it and not giving up in the middle is truly a wonderful feeling.I realize now that the challenge is not putting mind over matter but putting mind and matter together and that seems to be coming along beautifully! 5 miles an hour here I come!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Her Thoughts
She did not quite know how to think of him - but she did think of him a lot. All the times they had spent together and all the times they had not. She'd laugh at some of the memories and cringe at some of them. At the end of it all, her eyes would be moist. Well, frankly there was no end, because she thought about him endlessly. No matter how much she tried to divert her attention to the mundane tasks of everyday living, she would find herself thinking of him through it all. Earlier it used to surprise her that whenever she paid attention to what she was thinking, she would find him. Sometimes overwhelming her thoughts and sometimes lurking in the background. But he was there - always there. There had been a time when she had seriously tried to disassociate her thoughts with their focal point. She gave up when she realized the effort was draining her more than doing anything else. He still stayed there. In the middle of her thoughts as her life revolved more and more away from him. She marveled at the feeling sometimes. How could one be so connected to a person who they were not associated with any way except in the far past? Yet, there he was, above everything else, always there. Gradually she stopped analyzing the whys, hows and why not's and just went along with whatever came to her mind. Gradually her memories began to manifest themselves in tangible ways. She could hear him telling her that he loved her, she could feel his hand holding hers, she could feel his caresses, she could smell his presence....there were so many things. She carried him with her. The burden became lighter as she gave up on things that were not related to him. In the beginning when life held her in it grip, she felt like she would choke under the burden. But as she gingerly took steps away from life, the weight became more of a necessity. She created a void so that it could be filled with what she could not get away from. It was easier to give up on life and she did. Slowly but surely. Did that make her happy? She was not sure. Happiness was a thing of the past. She did not even know if she had ever felt true happiness. Even if she had, it had been so long ago, she had forgotten everything about it. She asked herself sometimes what would make her happy? His presence? Him being a part of her life like he had been once? She was not sure. Memories tend to soak up the good times while softening the impact of the bad ones. Reality blurred in her mind and she knew it. There were so many things. There was love of course but with it came a lot of other things. Things that managed to make life take on a course that seemed to suggest that love alone was not enough. If only she had believed..he had believed..they had believed that love was enough. But they had not. He had not. His uneasiness used to puzzle her. Ultimately it destroyed her trust. She could not take the risk of loving him all her life. She did not. He had walked off. Relieved? She was not sure. But he had walked off easily. She felt happy to have taken that decision. A man who could leave her so easily and never look back was not worth his presence. Yes he was best relegated to a place where he could do no harm. Where he could be controlled. Where his image could be distorted to fit whatever image she wanted of him. Where he could be God sometimes and the evil incarnate when she felt like it. Yes it was easier to live with him in her thoughts, than to actually live with him. She smiled. Finally! She had sorted him out! Sorted her thoughts out. It was time to move on.
Random thoughts
Listening to Romantic Hindi Songs moves me to start writing all those love stories I used to write so so long ago. Guess I am going to be a die-hard romantic till the day I die. Don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. I enjoy writing so much. I wish I was more disciplined about it. So many wishes, so little time!
One of the funniest moment came this week when my 5 year old son runs up to me while playing with his new playmate (neighbor's 5 year old grand daughter), huff, puffs and in his characteristic way says - "TT (his 3 year old bro) is saying bad stuff to us!" Apparently my 3 year old had run to the fence and watching them play had started shouting apparently to be let in and this is how my 5 year old intreprets it! Ah! Good times to come.
One of the funniest moment came this week when my 5 year old son runs up to me while playing with his new playmate (neighbor's 5 year old grand daughter), huff, puffs and in his characteristic way says - "TT (his 3 year old bro) is saying bad stuff to us!" Apparently my 3 year old had run to the fence and watching them play had started shouting apparently to be let in and this is how my 5 year old intreprets it! Ah! Good times to come.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The loner - Conclusion
Maybe I was too hard on him, I thought as I drove back to my nest. I was surprised that I was thinking about someone after about 15 minutes after I had met them. Generally it takes me about 2 minutes to wipe all the unpleasantness associated with interacting with someone.
"No" I had answered tersely. I found his jaw drop - don't think he was used to being rejected - so devastatingly good looking was he. Yes, his good looks did affect for me for like 35 seconds - the "Yes" had almost slipped out in those 34 seconds, before I willed myself to say a "No". Yes, it had taken all my will power but I was sure I had done something that was not done to this Greek God ever. I wondered what had attracted him to me. I was easily not one of the best looking of the female species. In fact if I could rate myself, I would hover myself in the area of less than average to plain ugly with emphasis on the later.
My mother had lamented more than once on my looks or rather lack of it and had even attributed my being a loner to it. I would say it was a classic case of giving more credit than is due. I paid no attention to how I looked. As long as I was not wearing torn clothes and did not smell like I had just stepped out of the gutter, I was fine. In fact I loved being plain, it removed a lot of fuss around me. I could walk in the middle of the road and be virtually un-noticeable. That was exactly how I had wanted my life to be - void of any distractions. As was usual, I had not ever denied nor confirmed my mom's expert analysis of the situation!
I closed the book I had been intently poring on. If only that damn librarian had allowed me to check that book out, I would have been spared of this torture. Damn, Damn, Damn! If only that mand had left me alone for a few more minutes, my research would have been done and I would have been sleeping peacefully like a baby. I loathed him. And that was the beginning and end of my love story - it had lasted more than a couple of hours. Enough to jolt me a little, but satisfying that I had passed an unexpected test of my innate character. That marked the beginning of another love story - one where I loved myself and who I was. The best love story of all because you control it and you have power over you. It boggles my mind how an individual can not only transfer the power over self to another individual so easily, but also fall head over heels to do that!
The only other time my mom had incited more than a dull stare in her direction apart from when she was dying was when she wondered about my marriage. Her opinion was that all good girls get married. All the self content smugness in her vanished when I retorted back with - "Well Ma, I am not a good girl!" The subject of marriage was never brought up again. Yes, I had a knack of making life give me what I wanted. No wonder I was in love with myself!
This knack not only made me a narcissist but also had other effects on my life. Love and I don't just mean the romantic kind of love - binds you, enslaves you and effectively eats away at your roots - slowy but surely erodes your individuality. Conciously and/or unconciously you tend to behave in a certain way that impresses the one that you love - you are a different person when you are with your mom, a different person with your lover, a completely different one with your friends and most certainly an ass with your kids you can't just stay true to your emotions and ambitions. If you do then you are termed a selfish person who cannot see beyong oneself, who does not care about anyone else..blah blah and more blah blah. I don't understand the logic in not being the #1 person in your own life! The whole play of a guilty conscience comes into the picture and if not the relationships, then this tumult within oneself will steam roll you into submission- to act according to the norms of the society - to take care of your loved ones, more than yourself! I have seen this happen with people around me who gradually loose their focus and a person who once held a lot of promise just withers away in the face of these emotional connections. To me they bring nothing but ruin to oneself and since I have already established the fact that I love myself, I have stayed away from these banalities called relationships all my life.
I have and still scoff at people who have questioned the purpose of my existence! What does she get out of life being all by herself. Who is there to celebrate her successes and who is there to share her joys and sorrows? Such a loner, how could she be happy? While I welcome their concern (NOT!), I would love to sock their concerned jaws with a blow that would wipe away all their silly poking into other people's lives. But to answer them I would say - nothing gives me more satisfaction than overcoming an obstacle all by myself. Even if I did not, I could just get up and try again or give up or whatever. I definitely don't need someone to pick me up, goad me to go on and then watch me fall. I'd rather fall, get up myself and do whatever I feel like doing - not do it for the sake of someone who needs me to be strong. I don't want to give anyone the satisfaciton of sharing my successes. They are all mine and I am mighty proud of them. So also my failures. I can't blame anyone except myself and that makes me try harder to overcome them.
I looked down from my book. The questionnaire. I had completely forgotten about it. I had refused the interview, so they had sent me this form.
How does it feel to be running for the position of the most powerful person in the world? Pretty good - I jotted down.
Are you confident you are going to win? Yes.
Being on top sometimes can be lonely. How does it feel up there? Awesome..
You are accused of being a loner. Are you? Yes.
Who or what do you attribute your success to? Me being a loner!
I switched off the TV. It isn't fun to watch myself being flanked by almost every important personality in the world! No matter who you are surrounded by its pretty nauseating to be in the midst of so many people.
**The End**
"No" I had answered tersely. I found his jaw drop - don't think he was used to being rejected - so devastatingly good looking was he. Yes, his good looks did affect for me for like 35 seconds - the "Yes" had almost slipped out in those 34 seconds, before I willed myself to say a "No". Yes, it had taken all my will power but I was sure I had done something that was not done to this Greek God ever. I wondered what had attracted him to me. I was easily not one of the best looking of the female species. In fact if I could rate myself, I would hover myself in the area of less than average to plain ugly with emphasis on the later.
My mother had lamented more than once on my looks or rather lack of it and had even attributed my being a loner to it. I would say it was a classic case of giving more credit than is due. I paid no attention to how I looked. As long as I was not wearing torn clothes and did not smell like I had just stepped out of the gutter, I was fine. In fact I loved being plain, it removed a lot of fuss around me. I could walk in the middle of the road and be virtually un-noticeable. That was exactly how I had wanted my life to be - void of any distractions. As was usual, I had not ever denied nor confirmed my mom's expert analysis of the situation!
I closed the book I had been intently poring on. If only that damn librarian had allowed me to check that book out, I would have been spared of this torture. Damn, Damn, Damn! If only that mand had left me alone for a few more minutes, my research would have been done and I would have been sleeping peacefully like a baby. I loathed him. And that was the beginning and end of my love story - it had lasted more than a couple of hours. Enough to jolt me a little, but satisfying that I had passed an unexpected test of my innate character. That marked the beginning of another love story - one where I loved myself and who I was. The best love story of all because you control it and you have power over you. It boggles my mind how an individual can not only transfer the power over self to another individual so easily, but also fall head over heels to do that!
The only other time my mom had incited more than a dull stare in her direction apart from when she was dying was when she wondered about my marriage. Her opinion was that all good girls get married. All the self content smugness in her vanished when I retorted back with - "Well Ma, I am not a good girl!" The subject of marriage was never brought up again. Yes, I had a knack of making life give me what I wanted. No wonder I was in love with myself!
This knack not only made me a narcissist but also had other effects on my life. Love and I don't just mean the romantic kind of love - binds you, enslaves you and effectively eats away at your roots - slowy but surely erodes your individuality. Conciously and/or unconciously you tend to behave in a certain way that impresses the one that you love - you are a different person when you are with your mom, a different person with your lover, a completely different one with your friends and most certainly an ass with your kids you can't just stay true to your emotions and ambitions. If you do then you are termed a selfish person who cannot see beyong oneself, who does not care about anyone else..blah blah and more blah blah. I don't understand the logic in not being the #1 person in your own life! The whole play of a guilty conscience comes into the picture and if not the relationships, then this tumult within oneself will steam roll you into submission- to act according to the norms of the society - to take care of your loved ones, more than yourself! I have seen this happen with people around me who gradually loose their focus and a person who once held a lot of promise just withers away in the face of these emotional connections. To me they bring nothing but ruin to oneself and since I have already established the fact that I love myself, I have stayed away from these banalities called relationships all my life.
I have and still scoff at people who have questioned the purpose of my existence! What does she get out of life being all by herself. Who is there to celebrate her successes and who is there to share her joys and sorrows? Such a loner, how could she be happy? While I welcome their concern (NOT!), I would love to sock their concerned jaws with a blow that would wipe away all their silly poking into other people's lives. But to answer them I would say - nothing gives me more satisfaction than overcoming an obstacle all by myself. Even if I did not, I could just get up and try again or give up or whatever. I definitely don't need someone to pick me up, goad me to go on and then watch me fall. I'd rather fall, get up myself and do whatever I feel like doing - not do it for the sake of someone who needs me to be strong. I don't want to give anyone the satisfaciton of sharing my successes. They are all mine and I am mighty proud of them. So also my failures. I can't blame anyone except myself and that makes me try harder to overcome them.
I looked down from my book. The questionnaire. I had completely forgotten about it. I had refused the interview, so they had sent me this form.
How does it feel to be running for the position of the most powerful person in the world? Pretty good - I jotted down.
Are you confident you are going to win? Yes.
Being on top sometimes can be lonely. How does it feel up there? Awesome..
You are accused of being a loner. Are you? Yes.
Who or what do you attribute your success to? Me being a loner!
I switched off the TV. It isn't fun to watch myself being flanked by almost every important personality in the world! No matter who you are surrounded by its pretty nauseating to be in the midst of so many people.
**The End**
Monday, April 4, 2011
The loner...Part 2
My mom had tried her best to make sense of what was happening with her daughter. She tried to determine what the underlying reason could be for me wanting to be on my own. More than concern of anything else for me, it was an exercise on her part to make sure that she was not responsible for who I was. Was it because Dad had left us that I insisted on not talking to anyone? Was it possible that she might be a bitter single mom and so I had retreated into my shell? Was it because I was embarrassed of her that I refused to go anywhere with her? Was it because I was an only child, that I never mingled with anyone?..Was it because?...the list was endless.
I would listen to the items on the list time and again when she'd get miserable thinking I was miserable and would start lamenting on what she had done wrong to deserve this. I would just stare vacantly in space and that would infuriate her more and the list would get longer. Invariably it would end in her tears and with me walking out, not because I was uncomfortable in any way that she was crying, but mostly because either I would need a drink or would need to use the bathroom.
Years later, when she fell extremely sick she apologized to me. I gave her the vacant stare and she fell back sobbing.
"What have I ever done to you?" she managed between the sobs.
"Nothing mom." I replied.
She stopped sobbing and looked at me increduosly. That was the first ever time I had acknowledged her question which had been hurled at me in various formats almost every other day.
"Then why...."
"It's who I am mom and it has got nothing to do with you!"
She sighed. She fell back. I never heard her repeat the drama ever again! She died a few days later.
When you are around someone for so long - almost all your life - you tend to start missing having them around(at least that is what I was led to believe), even if you never really loved or got along with them. I waited for that feeling to hit me - it never did. I looked around the apartment we had shared for so many years. I forced myself to look at the chair she would sit and listen to classical music. I don't know what feeling I sought, but it was definitely not the one that came over me. A surge of relief that I no longer had to be around her brooding presence. I was glad she was gone. I was glad to be by myself - finally!
After the party at the Rien's my mom had a grand idea - that of throwing a party of our own. I was just nine at that time, so though I tried my hardest to avert the crisis, she heard nothing of it and put me through the torture of greeting a dozen kids accompanied by their parents. My head was spinning as she made me thank eacn one of them when they were leaving. I almost passed out, but she held me strong. I never forgave her for that. She never did it to me again. She stopped trying after I threw up all over the floor that day!
There was this girl at school. An ugly, gawky looking thing. Since no on one seemed to be interested in being her friend, she turned her attention towards me, the only other friendless girl around! She was a stubborn little thing if there was one and was quite intent on becoming my 'best friend' as she put it. I punched her in the face when she said that. She was back the next day with a band-aid on her nose, grinning - showing her uneven teeth - "Well if not best friends, we could just be friends!". I punched her in the same spot again. She did not bother me after that.
But I had to pay the price for my aggression. From being a mousy little thing who minded her own business, I had morphed into a variety of different things. Some said I was a witch, some said I was abused, some said I was a psycho, some even said I had murdered my dad when I was 3! I didn't care..whatever the reason they left me alone and that is what mattered. I was free of the constant fun they would poke at me. If I had only known, I would've punched someone way earlier.
One thing I learned very early in life is that you control how you want your life to be. True, destiny pays a part - but if you are disciplined about what you want and never swerve out of the way - you will get it. As I cooked dinner that day - that is exactly how I felt. I watched the omelette puff up all bright red and yellow. I did not like the green stuff in it - and so there was no green stuff in it. This is how I wanted my life to be. Just the way I wanted it to be. Not the way someone else wanted it to be.
No one ever understood that. I was always treated like an abnormal person who had issues. No one could ever understand that it was the way I wanted things to be. That I loved being on my own, that being around other people tired the hell out of me - so much so that I was paranoid about being around people. They bored me no end with their oh so cute and happy lives, or I cant survive with/without my spouse lives or my kids are so smart lives. It seemed like an endless cycle. I would think I could categorize people into 4 to 5 categories and almost everyone would fit into one of these categories. Pretty mindless to be involved in the same vicious never ending drama of other people's lives! Instead I preferred to be on my own - do what interested me - not do what did not interest me and for that I was labeled a loner! I didn't mind as long as the loner was left alone!
Though I would have been as happy had I belonged to the cave man era wherein you could just go into a cave and live there (which I long to do even now), the reality was much different and I could not not pay attention to it for long. I had to make a life of my own. Passing school had been like walking on cake - the colorful stories that were touted as facts by those around me made life that much more interesting. I could be happy and secure in the knowledge that I was not as bad as they wanted me to be. Just more so!
"Want to get a coffee?"
I looked up from the book. This was the reason, I had wanted to check out the book, but the librarian had quoted some stupid rule that did not allow me to take the book home. So I had reluctantly settled in clutching the book. The thing I hate about libraries are that they seem more like a place for hospital records of dead patients rather than anything else. I would maybe spend not more than 10 minutes in checking out books and would be out of there in a flash. But when it was a question of the book that I had wanted to read for ages, I could not do that. So I sat there against my better judgement and had started reading.
As I had expected I was interrupted. When I looked up I saw the most beautiful brown eyes smiling at me.
"Coffee?" Yes, you could call those eyes coffee too. For the first time in my life I did not feel like punching the day lights out of someone who seemed to want my company!
(to be continued)
I would listen to the items on the list time and again when she'd get miserable thinking I was miserable and would start lamenting on what she had done wrong to deserve this. I would just stare vacantly in space and that would infuriate her more and the list would get longer. Invariably it would end in her tears and with me walking out, not because I was uncomfortable in any way that she was crying, but mostly because either I would need a drink or would need to use the bathroom.
Years later, when she fell extremely sick she apologized to me. I gave her the vacant stare and she fell back sobbing.
"What have I ever done to you?" she managed between the sobs.
"Nothing mom." I replied.
She stopped sobbing and looked at me increduosly. That was the first ever time I had acknowledged her question which had been hurled at me in various formats almost every other day.
"Then why...."
"It's who I am mom and it has got nothing to do with you!"
She sighed. She fell back. I never heard her repeat the drama ever again! She died a few days later.
When you are around someone for so long - almost all your life - you tend to start missing having them around(at least that is what I was led to believe), even if you never really loved or got along with them. I waited for that feeling to hit me - it never did. I looked around the apartment we had shared for so many years. I forced myself to look at the chair she would sit and listen to classical music. I don't know what feeling I sought, but it was definitely not the one that came over me. A surge of relief that I no longer had to be around her brooding presence. I was glad she was gone. I was glad to be by myself - finally!
After the party at the Rien's my mom had a grand idea - that of throwing a party of our own. I was just nine at that time, so though I tried my hardest to avert the crisis, she heard nothing of it and put me through the torture of greeting a dozen kids accompanied by their parents. My head was spinning as she made me thank eacn one of them when they were leaving. I almost passed out, but she held me strong. I never forgave her for that. She never did it to me again. She stopped trying after I threw up all over the floor that day!
There was this girl at school. An ugly, gawky looking thing. Since no on one seemed to be interested in being her friend, she turned her attention towards me, the only other friendless girl around! She was a stubborn little thing if there was one and was quite intent on becoming my 'best friend' as she put it. I punched her in the face when she said that. She was back the next day with a band-aid on her nose, grinning - showing her uneven teeth - "Well if not best friends, we could just be friends!". I punched her in the same spot again. She did not bother me after that.
But I had to pay the price for my aggression. From being a mousy little thing who minded her own business, I had morphed into a variety of different things. Some said I was a witch, some said I was abused, some said I was a psycho, some even said I had murdered my dad when I was 3! I didn't care..whatever the reason they left me alone and that is what mattered. I was free of the constant fun they would poke at me. If I had only known, I would've punched someone way earlier.
One thing I learned very early in life is that you control how you want your life to be. True, destiny pays a part - but if you are disciplined about what you want and never swerve out of the way - you will get it. As I cooked dinner that day - that is exactly how I felt. I watched the omelette puff up all bright red and yellow. I did not like the green stuff in it - and so there was no green stuff in it. This is how I wanted my life to be. Just the way I wanted it to be. Not the way someone else wanted it to be.
No one ever understood that. I was always treated like an abnormal person who had issues. No one could ever understand that it was the way I wanted things to be. That I loved being on my own, that being around other people tired the hell out of me - so much so that I was paranoid about being around people. They bored me no end with their oh so cute and happy lives, or I cant survive with/without my spouse lives or my kids are so smart lives. It seemed like an endless cycle. I would think I could categorize people into 4 to 5 categories and almost everyone would fit into one of these categories. Pretty mindless to be involved in the same vicious never ending drama of other people's lives! Instead I preferred to be on my own - do what interested me - not do what did not interest me and for that I was labeled a loner! I didn't mind as long as the loner was left alone!
Though I would have been as happy had I belonged to the cave man era wherein you could just go into a cave and live there (which I long to do even now), the reality was much different and I could not not pay attention to it for long. I had to make a life of my own. Passing school had been like walking on cake - the colorful stories that were touted as facts by those around me made life that much more interesting. I could be happy and secure in the knowledge that I was not as bad as they wanted me to be. Just more so!
"Want to get a coffee?"
I looked up from the book. This was the reason, I had wanted to check out the book, but the librarian had quoted some stupid rule that did not allow me to take the book home. So I had reluctantly settled in clutching the book. The thing I hate about libraries are that they seem more like a place for hospital records of dead patients rather than anything else. I would maybe spend not more than 10 minutes in checking out books and would be out of there in a flash. But when it was a question of the book that I had wanted to read for ages, I could not do that. So I sat there against my better judgement and had started reading.
As I had expected I was interrupted. When I looked up I saw the most beautiful brown eyes smiling at me.
"Coffee?" Yes, you could call those eyes coffee too. For the first time in my life I did not feel like punching the day lights out of someone who seemed to want my company!
(to be continued)
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Thank you, Team India
25th June 1983. I woke up to my mom excitedly telling me that Kapil Dev's India has won the world cricket cup for India. While I knew what cricket was - I was not sure what a world cup was nor who in the world Kapil Dev was. But I got to know in the next few days and also a lot more about the game of cricket my knowledge of which was limited to playing gully cricket with my brothers. Those few days of knowledge was a pre-cursor to what would become a life's dream - to experience India win a world cup again.
I followed India's fortunes under a host of different captains - Kapil Dev, Vengsarkar, Srikkanth, Azharuddin, Sachin Tendulkar, Saurav Ganguly, Rahul Dravid and then some more. While we did seem to posess individual brilliance, record makers and stylish wristy players, we never seemed to click as a team. Sure there were wins here and there to keep fuelling our almost fanatical obsession with the game, but nothing to repeat the brilliance of 1983 or 1985(when we won the Champions Trophy).We (the Indian cricket fan) prayed, we hoped, we wore the same clothes as we did on the day Indian won a game, some of us did not even watch the telecast because we thought we were jinxing the team, we stood together as a nation hoping against hope that our team would do us proud. Yes it did - but more times than not. Disappointment reined large most of the times. We seemed to have perfected the knack of 'snatching defeat from the jaws of victory'. The term seemed coined for us. Still we dreamed the impossible dream. We cursed, we swore, we poked fun at our failing players, but we followed their fortunes like they were our own!
1987 we watched as Graham Gooch and Mike Gatting swept our hopes under the carpet, 1992 - we envied our arch rivals as they lifted the world cup, 1996 - JayaSuriya changed the face of one day cricket as he clobbered everyone out of the field and we watched as our team was at the receiving end. From 1999 onwards we watched as Australia dominated world cricket and also world cup cricket. We tried to end their dominance once, but ended up just nibbling at their toes. Indian cricket seemed doomed. The Indian cricket fan more so. My dream of watching India win a world cup seemed more distant than ever.
But then we came across a man with long flowing hair who batted and looked like a dream..MS Dhoni was put in charge of affairs and slowly but surely things seem to change. I was not following cricket anymore - more so because of where I lived rather than anything else. I still retained the same passion as I ever did for Indian cricket. I had just grown tired of 'haath ko aaya par muh na laga!' all the time. Things did seem to slowly change as India sought to end Australian dominance. Gary Kirsten was bought in. Slowly, but surely things seemed to change. Dhoni at the helm of matters seemed to help. I watched in wonder as India were touted as favorites for winning the 2011 world cup.
Once bitten, twice shy. I supported team India with all my heart, but had misgivings when they could not finish at the top of their group. They lost to South Africa and tied with England. The only teams they seemed to beat were the minnows. Were we once again in the 'hoping for best' boat and needed to be in the 'be prepared for the worst' boat?
Loosing 7 wickets for 30 runs did not seem to be the calling of a champion and once again the confidence waned. Surely we could not beat 3 big teams to lift the world cup. No way. 28 years later we seemed to trodding down the familiar path.
Then the quarterfinal match against Australia happened. I marveled as the Indian team did not choke at the point I expected them to. Yuvraj singh stood tall. Raina joined him and saw us through 80 odd runs. It was mesmerizing. It was joyous. The feeling was different. This did seem like a team that could go all the way. There was yet another hurdle to overcome. Arch rivals Pakistan. We seemed to stutter there a little, but once again there was no choke. We had newer players - non stars - making important contributions towards the end. Something I had never seen the erstwhile Indian cricket teams do. But the victory was not as emphatic as I'd have liked. Pakistan could have taken it away from us had they been more disciplined in their fielding and batting. But yes we were definitely the better team. I gained a little more confidence.
Today it happened. All those years of fervent hoping, praying and doing everything in one's power to try to make it to happen. I watched as Zaheer bowl 5 overs for a meager 6 runs, I watched as the inclusion of Sreesanth bite Dhoni right where he didn't want it to, watched as Yuvraj Singh morphed into a true all rounder for India as he plugged away at the Sri Lankan batsman, watched a masterful century from Mahela Jayawardane, watched Sri Lanka seemed to take the match away from us in the final 5 overs - watched as our premier paceman Zaheer Khan was taken to the laundry for the first time in the tournament, watched as the Sri Lankan batsmen celebrated as they reached 274 - hitting a mighty six of the last ball of their innings. My heart skipped a few beats. 274 seemed like a big score - but surely gettable.
We had to. There was no other choice. Well that thought was halted swiftly as Sehwag and Tendulkar left one after other. I am sure my heart skipped more than a few beats. Just when he seemed in full flow, the little master edged to Sangakkarra. Images of the Indian top order struggling against genuine pacers flooded my thoughts as we seemed to struggle against Malinga. Surely this was not happening! I am sure a billion hearts sank at that moment and am surer it happened again when the out of form Mahender Singh Dhoni walked in. Make no mistake, I love our captain dearly, think he is the finest captain ever - but his form was another thing. Well Dhoni managed to change all that in style. A knock of 91 like this for me is more precious than all the centuries in the world. I watched as our captain hit a 6 to make curry of the target in style. My eyes moistened as a long standing dream was realized. It took 28 years, but hey I am not complaining any more! We did it in style and then some more. More emphatically than we did the 1983 one.
We have so much to look forward to and I know that its not going to be another 28 years before we are at this point again. Indian cricket seems to be headed in the right direction and as usual we the fans will be there to cheer this juggernaut on – wince when the team stumbles, erupt when we win, offer support when it is needed, offer ridicule when it is not wanted...yes we shall be there!
I look at my team and my heart swells with pride. The way they have played - like the champions that they turned out to be - the way they made me feel today - seemed to be paisa vasool for all these 28 years of devotion and most of the what seemed like faith placed in the wrong place. I watched as the Indian team celebrated. My heart beat with them as I savored every moment of what they were going through. I could feel my hands around the cup as Tendulkar held it in his own. Yes, I had wanted it to happen for this man – along with my one billion counterparts. I watched as Dhoni walked a few steps behind the victory procession, flanked by Zaheer on one side and Sehwag on the other. Watched as Gavaskar extolled Dhoni - as the man who did it for us, the leader who did it for India - could not have agreed with him more. But we did it like at a team.
Sure there were individual contributions and brilliance but I cannot imagine winning this cup without us working like a unit. Thank you Team India - each and every member for making this cup ours. For giving me this feeling that I won the world cup today. For all the days I pretended to work while I got up at 4am to follows the teams fortunes. For giving me the opportunity to get away from everyday life and be consumed by cricket for the past 6 weeks – once again live and breathe cricket – have minor heart attacks – curse, swear, exult and almost die! Go through all emotions in a matter of 15-20 minutes. Yes, only sports can make that happen. And for Indians there is only one sport that could inspire such emotion – the sport of cricket – our passion, our religion and now our pride and joy. Thank you, Team India, for making this happen.
Sehwag - Thank you for shredding all unnecessarily built-up pre-match tension to pieces as you hit 5 smacking boundaries in one over from one of the leading bowlers of the tournament. Pakistan were put on back foot and never recovered!
Sachin - Thank you for being born! (in India that is. On second thought maybe we should be thanking his parents ;-)
Gambhir - Thank you for your fearlessness in carrying out the sheet anchor role. It's a joy to watch you on the front foot!
Kohli - Thank you for being our second anchor. I see a future captain in you!
Yuvraj - Thank you for showing us that you deserve to possess the arrogance that you display!
Pathan - Thank you for being a game turner Pathan. We look forward to your return.
Raina – What an endearing lad you are. Thank you for being the first one to be either climbing into a team mates arms or taking them in yours when a wicket feel. But thank you most for balancing the Indian innings when it was needed the most. We owe a part of the Australian and Paki victories to you.
Dhoni – Thank you for being the coolest captain ever! You make us proud – every time!
Harbhajan – Thank you for being the cornerstone of the Indian spin attack. Please convey our sincerest thanks to all the Gurujis of the world. ;-)
Zaheer – Thank you for being so intensely good looking. Oops sorry! For giving us a breakthrough every time we needed one. You are THE bowler of the tournament!
Munaf – Thank you for your wonderful spell against the Pakis. You are an able partner to Zaheer.
Ashwin – Thank you for 2 amazing performances.
Nehra, Sreesanth and Piyush – Thank you for being part of this winning team. You contributed one way or other I am sure.
Thank you Team India, for this feeling of being on top of the world. It sure is a great view!
I followed India's fortunes under a host of different captains - Kapil Dev, Vengsarkar, Srikkanth, Azharuddin, Sachin Tendulkar, Saurav Ganguly, Rahul Dravid and then some more. While we did seem to posess individual brilliance, record makers and stylish wristy players, we never seemed to click as a team. Sure there were wins here and there to keep fuelling our almost fanatical obsession with the game, but nothing to repeat the brilliance of 1983 or 1985(when we won the Champions Trophy).We (the Indian cricket fan) prayed, we hoped, we wore the same clothes as we did on the day Indian won a game, some of us did not even watch the telecast because we thought we were jinxing the team, we stood together as a nation hoping against hope that our team would do us proud. Yes it did - but more times than not. Disappointment reined large most of the times. We seemed to have perfected the knack of 'snatching defeat from the jaws of victory'. The term seemed coined for us. Still we dreamed the impossible dream. We cursed, we swore, we poked fun at our failing players, but we followed their fortunes like they were our own!
1987 we watched as Graham Gooch and Mike Gatting swept our hopes under the carpet, 1992 - we envied our arch rivals as they lifted the world cup, 1996 - JayaSuriya changed the face of one day cricket as he clobbered everyone out of the field and we watched as our team was at the receiving end. From 1999 onwards we watched as Australia dominated world cricket and also world cup cricket. We tried to end their dominance once, but ended up just nibbling at their toes. Indian cricket seemed doomed. The Indian cricket fan more so. My dream of watching India win a world cup seemed more distant than ever.
But then we came across a man with long flowing hair who batted and looked like a dream..MS Dhoni was put in charge of affairs and slowly but surely things seem to change. I was not following cricket anymore - more so because of where I lived rather than anything else. I still retained the same passion as I ever did for Indian cricket. I had just grown tired of 'haath ko aaya par muh na laga!' all the time. Things did seem to slowly change as India sought to end Australian dominance. Gary Kirsten was bought in. Slowly, but surely things seemed to change. Dhoni at the helm of matters seemed to help. I watched in wonder as India were touted as favorites for winning the 2011 world cup.
Once bitten, twice shy. I supported team India with all my heart, but had misgivings when they could not finish at the top of their group. They lost to South Africa and tied with England. The only teams they seemed to beat were the minnows. Were we once again in the 'hoping for best' boat and needed to be in the 'be prepared for the worst' boat?
Loosing 7 wickets for 30 runs did not seem to be the calling of a champion and once again the confidence waned. Surely we could not beat 3 big teams to lift the world cup. No way. 28 years later we seemed to trodding down the familiar path.
Then the quarterfinal match against Australia happened. I marveled as the Indian team did not choke at the point I expected them to. Yuvraj singh stood tall. Raina joined him and saw us through 80 odd runs. It was mesmerizing. It was joyous. The feeling was different. This did seem like a team that could go all the way. There was yet another hurdle to overcome. Arch rivals Pakistan. We seemed to stutter there a little, but once again there was no choke. We had newer players - non stars - making important contributions towards the end. Something I had never seen the erstwhile Indian cricket teams do. But the victory was not as emphatic as I'd have liked. Pakistan could have taken it away from us had they been more disciplined in their fielding and batting. But yes we were definitely the better team. I gained a little more confidence.
Today it happened. All those years of fervent hoping, praying and doing everything in one's power to try to make it to happen. I watched as Zaheer bowl 5 overs for a meager 6 runs, I watched as the inclusion of Sreesanth bite Dhoni right where he didn't want it to, watched as Yuvraj Singh morphed into a true all rounder for India as he plugged away at the Sri Lankan batsman, watched a masterful century from Mahela Jayawardane, watched Sri Lanka seemed to take the match away from us in the final 5 overs - watched as our premier paceman Zaheer Khan was taken to the laundry for the first time in the tournament, watched as the Sri Lankan batsmen celebrated as they reached 274 - hitting a mighty six of the last ball of their innings. My heart skipped a few beats. 274 seemed like a big score - but surely gettable.
We had to. There was no other choice. Well that thought was halted swiftly as Sehwag and Tendulkar left one after other. I am sure my heart skipped more than a few beats. Just when he seemed in full flow, the little master edged to Sangakkarra. Images of the Indian top order struggling against genuine pacers flooded my thoughts as we seemed to struggle against Malinga. Surely this was not happening! I am sure a billion hearts sank at that moment and am surer it happened again when the out of form Mahender Singh Dhoni walked in. Make no mistake, I love our captain dearly, think he is the finest captain ever - but his form was another thing. Well Dhoni managed to change all that in style. A knock of 91 like this for me is more precious than all the centuries in the world. I watched as our captain hit a 6 to make curry of the target in style. My eyes moistened as a long standing dream was realized. It took 28 years, but hey I am not complaining any more! We did it in style and then some more. More emphatically than we did the 1983 one.
We have so much to look forward to and I know that its not going to be another 28 years before we are at this point again. Indian cricket seems to be headed in the right direction and as usual we the fans will be there to cheer this juggernaut on – wince when the team stumbles, erupt when we win, offer support when it is needed, offer ridicule when it is not wanted...yes we shall be there!
I look at my team and my heart swells with pride. The way they have played - like the champions that they turned out to be - the way they made me feel today - seemed to be paisa vasool for all these 28 years of devotion and most of the what seemed like faith placed in the wrong place. I watched as the Indian team celebrated. My heart beat with them as I savored every moment of what they were going through. I could feel my hands around the cup as Tendulkar held it in his own. Yes, I had wanted it to happen for this man – along with my one billion counterparts. I watched as Dhoni walked a few steps behind the victory procession, flanked by Zaheer on one side and Sehwag on the other. Watched as Gavaskar extolled Dhoni - as the man who did it for us, the leader who did it for India - could not have agreed with him more. But we did it like at a team.
Sure there were individual contributions and brilliance but I cannot imagine winning this cup without us working like a unit. Thank you Team India - each and every member for making this cup ours. For giving me this feeling that I won the world cup today. For all the days I pretended to work while I got up at 4am to follows the teams fortunes. For giving me the opportunity to get away from everyday life and be consumed by cricket for the past 6 weeks – once again live and breathe cricket – have minor heart attacks – curse, swear, exult and almost die! Go through all emotions in a matter of 15-20 minutes. Yes, only sports can make that happen. And for Indians there is only one sport that could inspire such emotion – the sport of cricket – our passion, our religion and now our pride and joy. Thank you, Team India, for making this happen.
Sehwag - Thank you for shredding all unnecessarily built-up pre-match tension to pieces as you hit 5 smacking boundaries in one over from one of the leading bowlers of the tournament. Pakistan were put on back foot and never recovered!
Sachin - Thank you for being born! (in India that is. On second thought maybe we should be thanking his parents ;-)
Gambhir - Thank you for your fearlessness in carrying out the sheet anchor role. It's a joy to watch you on the front foot!
Kohli - Thank you for being our second anchor. I see a future captain in you!
Yuvraj - Thank you for showing us that you deserve to possess the arrogance that you display!
Pathan - Thank you for being a game turner Pathan. We look forward to your return.
Raina – What an endearing lad you are. Thank you for being the first one to be either climbing into a team mates arms or taking them in yours when a wicket feel. But thank you most for balancing the Indian innings when it was needed the most. We owe a part of the Australian and Paki victories to you.
Dhoni – Thank you for being the coolest captain ever! You make us proud – every time!
Harbhajan – Thank you for being the cornerstone of the Indian spin attack. Please convey our sincerest thanks to all the Gurujis of the world. ;-)
Zaheer – Thank you for being so intensely good looking. Oops sorry! For giving us a breakthrough every time we needed one. You are THE bowler of the tournament!
Munaf – Thank you for your wonderful spell against the Pakis. You are an able partner to Zaheer.
Ashwin – Thank you for 2 amazing performances.
Nehra, Sreesanth and Piyush – Thank you for being part of this winning team. You contributed one way or other I am sure.
Thank you Team India, for this feeling of being on top of the world. It sure is a great view!
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