...that's how my son responded when I asked him how he had liked his favorite egg sandwich that I had made for him. I laughed when he said that and like all of us mothers who think the world is at their feet when their little one)or big one for that matter) does something they think is either oh so smart, oh so cute, oh so good, oh so out of this work, oh so rocket scientistic etc etc even if it is something like burping on their own - I thought the same. What a witty intelligent kid this handsome kid (yes once again belong to the category of mom's who think their son is the best looking kid ever) is! I was smiling ear to ear, ready to record in the blog of how no other kid can come close to my Einstein, Salman Khan(looks only pls...without the height impediment of course), Sachin Tendulkar(without the height impediment again ...gosh why are all our heroes in the 'shuru hothe hi khatam ho jaate category') rolled into one.
Later I hear Shaggy (of Scooby-Doo fame) saying something similar. All my good intentions of bragging and repeating the story about 5 times to everyone who is remotely connected to me in any way were punctured sparing them the agony of pretending to share my enthusiasm and most importantly agreeing with me. *Sigh*.
Then a brilliant idea hits me. I should just take another approach - how he so intelligently picks up the best thing to say - how witty he is - how smart, how very....you get the point? ;-)
Friday, July 29, 2011
TGIF
It's friday! Yaaay! Like the millions of others who work a job to feed the paapi pet, I rejoice when the best day of the week Dawns. There is a spring in the step and enthu in the outlook as you tackle Friday knowing well that the end of it all you will be rewarded with a couple of days that you don't need to think about a lot of things you mostly don't want to think about most of the time. Work being foremost amongst them. There was a time I used to enjoy my work - love doing what I did - tackling new problems - working out best solutions and knowing that I was good at what I did. I still do some of the times, but most of the times I see myself waiting to wiggle out of it. Maybe it is working from home Syndrome - wherein you find yourself taking a lot breaks and also feel like you are working almost all the time to make amends for the breaks taken. There is always something left to do. And I have lately not been liking it that somewhere lurking in my brain is the module I needed to finish but did not get time to test thoroughly. I know some of us can just put niggles aside and get on with life, but unfortunately me not being one of them, I find myself worrying about it unconciously all the time. I could be most happy if I did not have work to worry me and I keep thinking how wonderful it would be to not work at all. Maybe not as fun as I am making it out to be. I do enjoy the challenge that work provides, the discipline it requires and the neccessity to learn new things. (which I would not do otherwise for sure). Left alone with nothing, I do feel the mind resembles a devil's workshop but at the same time the possibilities it presents is exciting. I know I am going to explore that route but for now there are miles to go before I sleep - so I will just keep counting them knowing that they are going down - mile by significant mile!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Good News...Bad News
Good News: I was told by a self proclaimed psychic that I am a free spirit!
Bad News: She says my daughter is one too !
I am worried already ;-)
Bad News: She says my daughter is one too !
I am worried already ;-)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Mind and Matter
One of the best things I did for myself the past few months has been to enroll in a morning exercise class. One fine day past your 30s it hits you that you are aging. You look around to see what you could do to reverse this process. You discover pretty fast that there is not really much you could do to reverse or stop the process but there are somethings that could be done that definitely slow the fast hurtling age of a truck down.
One of the first things you discover that aids this trying to break hard on the age accelerator is eating well. This is a great challenge especially where I live. Even to eat a simple thing like an apple or to drink a glass of milk, one has to go through a rigorous process of determining if this is actually good for you. For a long time I used to think that nothing was better. Alas! I did not know about genetic modification or pesticides that get absorbed or cows that are fed growth hormones. Also did not know that eating rice is like taking sugar by the spoonfuls. So started the research, looking for advice and generally making modifications to the way you eat. Though not the easiest things to do (and quite expensive I might add) this was doable.
The difficult part was taking time out to exercise, which is the second on the list of the essential things to do. Not only do you find exercise cumbersome, but once you have let yourself go without exercising for so many years, the creaks and the leaks discourage you big time. Sure, I have started to try to fall into a routine - trying to work on an elliptical, cycling early in the morning, late evening walks and so on. But none stayed more than at the most a couple of months. So my husband wasn't very much thrilled when I decided to join he early morning gym class, coz he did not have the faith that I would stick to it. Neither did I! The class met at 5:15. That meant I had to get up around 4:30. Considering that I would never go to sleep before midnight this was quite a challenge. Already, I was setting myself up to fail.
With nothing to loose, except my extra pounds, I started on it. I was promised the moon if I was disciplined. I was happy and I worked hard. Eating habits were easier to change once you were working so hard to shed those calories you had thoughtlessly gulped down a day earlier. Slowly, but surely I was getting fitter and I loved the feeling. I have always been an athlete in my school and college days. So running and moving come naturally to me. The one thing that held me back was always my stamina. Simply put, I did not have much of it. I would be huffing and puffing in no time at all. Also would get a stitch in the side and that would slow my progress big time. Running, walking or exercising for more than 30 minutes would drain me completely and I would struggle to keep up.
As we worked out through the winter, slowly but surely I was getting trained to not loose steam quick. Come summer and the goal was to go running/walking outside for an hour. I was not very much looking forward to it, because I had not tried to push my body in that way. A couple of walks and I realized I was getting much better. I was actually staying in the foremost group. That felt so good. That I was able to do it. That I was able to walk/run and do 4 miles in an hour without pushing myself too much.
Yesterday I got the pleasantest surprise when I realized that I finished first in our group and what more I could have gone longer without feeling like lying on the ground and dying! My coach called me her poster girl because I am fairly new to this exercise program. When someone asked how I was able to do it so effortlessly she replied for me saying - she has a determined head on her shoulders. I always knew that I had one but to have a body that seems to be complementing it and not giving up in the middle is truly a wonderful feeling.I realize now that the challenge is not putting mind over matter but putting mind and matter together and that seems to be coming along beautifully! 5 miles an hour here I come!
One of the first things you discover that aids this trying to break hard on the age accelerator is eating well. This is a great challenge especially where I live. Even to eat a simple thing like an apple or to drink a glass of milk, one has to go through a rigorous process of determining if this is actually good for you. For a long time I used to think that nothing was better. Alas! I did not know about genetic modification or pesticides that get absorbed or cows that are fed growth hormones. Also did not know that eating rice is like taking sugar by the spoonfuls. So started the research, looking for advice and generally making modifications to the way you eat. Though not the easiest things to do (and quite expensive I might add) this was doable.
The difficult part was taking time out to exercise, which is the second on the list of the essential things to do. Not only do you find exercise cumbersome, but once you have let yourself go without exercising for so many years, the creaks and the leaks discourage you big time. Sure, I have started to try to fall into a routine - trying to work on an elliptical, cycling early in the morning, late evening walks and so on. But none stayed more than at the most a couple of months. So my husband wasn't very much thrilled when I decided to join he early morning gym class, coz he did not have the faith that I would stick to it. Neither did I! The class met at 5:15. That meant I had to get up around 4:30. Considering that I would never go to sleep before midnight this was quite a challenge. Already, I was setting myself up to fail.
With nothing to loose, except my extra pounds, I started on it. I was promised the moon if I was disciplined. I was happy and I worked hard. Eating habits were easier to change once you were working so hard to shed those calories you had thoughtlessly gulped down a day earlier. Slowly, but surely I was getting fitter and I loved the feeling. I have always been an athlete in my school and college days. So running and moving come naturally to me. The one thing that held me back was always my stamina. Simply put, I did not have much of it. I would be huffing and puffing in no time at all. Also would get a stitch in the side and that would slow my progress big time. Running, walking or exercising for more than 30 minutes would drain me completely and I would struggle to keep up.
As we worked out through the winter, slowly but surely I was getting trained to not loose steam quick. Come summer and the goal was to go running/walking outside for an hour. I was not very much looking forward to it, because I had not tried to push my body in that way. A couple of walks and I realized I was getting much better. I was actually staying in the foremost group. That felt so good. That I was able to do it. That I was able to walk/run and do 4 miles in an hour without pushing myself too much.
Yesterday I got the pleasantest surprise when I realized that I finished first in our group and what more I could have gone longer without feeling like lying on the ground and dying! My coach called me her poster girl because I am fairly new to this exercise program. When someone asked how I was able to do it so effortlessly she replied for me saying - she has a determined head on her shoulders. I always knew that I had one but to have a body that seems to be complementing it and not giving up in the middle is truly a wonderful feeling.I realize now that the challenge is not putting mind over matter but putting mind and matter together and that seems to be coming along beautifully! 5 miles an hour here I come!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Her Thoughts
She did not quite know how to think of him - but she did think of him a lot. All the times they had spent together and all the times they had not. She'd laugh at some of the memories and cringe at some of them. At the end of it all, her eyes would be moist. Well, frankly there was no end, because she thought about him endlessly. No matter how much she tried to divert her attention to the mundane tasks of everyday living, she would find herself thinking of him through it all. Earlier it used to surprise her that whenever she paid attention to what she was thinking, she would find him. Sometimes overwhelming her thoughts and sometimes lurking in the background. But he was there - always there. There had been a time when she had seriously tried to disassociate her thoughts with their focal point. She gave up when she realized the effort was draining her more than doing anything else. He still stayed there. In the middle of her thoughts as her life revolved more and more away from him. She marveled at the feeling sometimes. How could one be so connected to a person who they were not associated with any way except in the far past? Yet, there he was, above everything else, always there. Gradually she stopped analyzing the whys, hows and why not's and just went along with whatever came to her mind. Gradually her memories began to manifest themselves in tangible ways. She could hear him telling her that he loved her, she could feel his hand holding hers, she could feel his caresses, she could smell his presence....there were so many things. She carried him with her. The burden became lighter as she gave up on things that were not related to him. In the beginning when life held her in it grip, she felt like she would choke under the burden. But as she gingerly took steps away from life, the weight became more of a necessity. She created a void so that it could be filled with what she could not get away from. It was easier to give up on life and she did. Slowly but surely. Did that make her happy? She was not sure. Happiness was a thing of the past. She did not even know if she had ever felt true happiness. Even if she had, it had been so long ago, she had forgotten everything about it. She asked herself sometimes what would make her happy? His presence? Him being a part of her life like he had been once? She was not sure. Memories tend to soak up the good times while softening the impact of the bad ones. Reality blurred in her mind and she knew it. There were so many things. There was love of course but with it came a lot of other things. Things that managed to make life take on a course that seemed to suggest that love alone was not enough. If only she had believed..he had believed..they had believed that love was enough. But they had not. He had not. His uneasiness used to puzzle her. Ultimately it destroyed her trust. She could not take the risk of loving him all her life. She did not. He had walked off. Relieved? She was not sure. But he had walked off easily. She felt happy to have taken that decision. A man who could leave her so easily and never look back was not worth his presence. Yes he was best relegated to a place where he could do no harm. Where he could be controlled. Where his image could be distorted to fit whatever image she wanted of him. Where he could be God sometimes and the evil incarnate when she felt like it. Yes it was easier to live with him in her thoughts, than to actually live with him. She smiled. Finally! She had sorted him out! Sorted her thoughts out. It was time to move on.
Random thoughts
Listening to Romantic Hindi Songs moves me to start writing all those love stories I used to write so so long ago. Guess I am going to be a die-hard romantic till the day I die. Don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. I enjoy writing so much. I wish I was more disciplined about it. So many wishes, so little time!
One of the funniest moment came this week when my 5 year old son runs up to me while playing with his new playmate (neighbor's 5 year old grand daughter), huff, puffs and in his characteristic way says - "TT (his 3 year old bro) is saying bad stuff to us!" Apparently my 3 year old had run to the fence and watching them play had started shouting apparently to be let in and this is how my 5 year old intreprets it! Ah! Good times to come.
One of the funniest moment came this week when my 5 year old son runs up to me while playing with his new playmate (neighbor's 5 year old grand daughter), huff, puffs and in his characteristic way says - "TT (his 3 year old bro) is saying bad stuff to us!" Apparently my 3 year old had run to the fence and watching them play had started shouting apparently to be let in and this is how my 5 year old intreprets it! Ah! Good times to come.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The loner - Conclusion
Maybe I was too hard on him, I thought as I drove back to my nest. I was surprised that I was thinking about someone after about 15 minutes after I had met them. Generally it takes me about 2 minutes to wipe all the unpleasantness associated with interacting with someone.
"No" I had answered tersely. I found his jaw drop - don't think he was used to being rejected - so devastatingly good looking was he. Yes, his good looks did affect for me for like 35 seconds - the "Yes" had almost slipped out in those 34 seconds, before I willed myself to say a "No". Yes, it had taken all my will power but I was sure I had done something that was not done to this Greek God ever. I wondered what had attracted him to me. I was easily not one of the best looking of the female species. In fact if I could rate myself, I would hover myself in the area of less than average to plain ugly with emphasis on the later.
My mother had lamented more than once on my looks or rather lack of it and had even attributed my being a loner to it. I would say it was a classic case of giving more credit than is due. I paid no attention to how I looked. As long as I was not wearing torn clothes and did not smell like I had just stepped out of the gutter, I was fine. In fact I loved being plain, it removed a lot of fuss around me. I could walk in the middle of the road and be virtually un-noticeable. That was exactly how I had wanted my life to be - void of any distractions. As was usual, I had not ever denied nor confirmed my mom's expert analysis of the situation!
I closed the book I had been intently poring on. If only that damn librarian had allowed me to check that book out, I would have been spared of this torture. Damn, Damn, Damn! If only that mand had left me alone for a few more minutes, my research would have been done and I would have been sleeping peacefully like a baby. I loathed him. And that was the beginning and end of my love story - it had lasted more than a couple of hours. Enough to jolt me a little, but satisfying that I had passed an unexpected test of my innate character. That marked the beginning of another love story - one where I loved myself and who I was. The best love story of all because you control it and you have power over you. It boggles my mind how an individual can not only transfer the power over self to another individual so easily, but also fall head over heels to do that!
The only other time my mom had incited more than a dull stare in her direction apart from when she was dying was when she wondered about my marriage. Her opinion was that all good girls get married. All the self content smugness in her vanished when I retorted back with - "Well Ma, I am not a good girl!" The subject of marriage was never brought up again. Yes, I had a knack of making life give me what I wanted. No wonder I was in love with myself!
This knack not only made me a narcissist but also had other effects on my life. Love and I don't just mean the romantic kind of love - binds you, enslaves you and effectively eats away at your roots - slowy but surely erodes your individuality. Conciously and/or unconciously you tend to behave in a certain way that impresses the one that you love - you are a different person when you are with your mom, a different person with your lover, a completely different one with your friends and most certainly an ass with your kids you can't just stay true to your emotions and ambitions. If you do then you are termed a selfish person who cannot see beyong oneself, who does not care about anyone else..blah blah and more blah blah. I don't understand the logic in not being the #1 person in your own life! The whole play of a guilty conscience comes into the picture and if not the relationships, then this tumult within oneself will steam roll you into submission- to act according to the norms of the society - to take care of your loved ones, more than yourself! I have seen this happen with people around me who gradually loose their focus and a person who once held a lot of promise just withers away in the face of these emotional connections. To me they bring nothing but ruin to oneself and since I have already established the fact that I love myself, I have stayed away from these banalities called relationships all my life.
I have and still scoff at people who have questioned the purpose of my existence! What does she get out of life being all by herself. Who is there to celebrate her successes and who is there to share her joys and sorrows? Such a loner, how could she be happy? While I welcome their concern (NOT!), I would love to sock their concerned jaws with a blow that would wipe away all their silly poking into other people's lives. But to answer them I would say - nothing gives me more satisfaction than overcoming an obstacle all by myself. Even if I did not, I could just get up and try again or give up or whatever. I definitely don't need someone to pick me up, goad me to go on and then watch me fall. I'd rather fall, get up myself and do whatever I feel like doing - not do it for the sake of someone who needs me to be strong. I don't want to give anyone the satisfaciton of sharing my successes. They are all mine and I am mighty proud of them. So also my failures. I can't blame anyone except myself and that makes me try harder to overcome them.
I looked down from my book. The questionnaire. I had completely forgotten about it. I had refused the interview, so they had sent me this form.
How does it feel to be running for the position of the most powerful person in the world? Pretty good - I jotted down.
Are you confident you are going to win? Yes.
Being on top sometimes can be lonely. How does it feel up there? Awesome..
You are accused of being a loner. Are you? Yes.
Who or what do you attribute your success to? Me being a loner!
I switched off the TV. It isn't fun to watch myself being flanked by almost every important personality in the world! No matter who you are surrounded by its pretty nauseating to be in the midst of so many people.
**The End**
"No" I had answered tersely. I found his jaw drop - don't think he was used to being rejected - so devastatingly good looking was he. Yes, his good looks did affect for me for like 35 seconds - the "Yes" had almost slipped out in those 34 seconds, before I willed myself to say a "No". Yes, it had taken all my will power but I was sure I had done something that was not done to this Greek God ever. I wondered what had attracted him to me. I was easily not one of the best looking of the female species. In fact if I could rate myself, I would hover myself in the area of less than average to plain ugly with emphasis on the later.
My mother had lamented more than once on my looks or rather lack of it and had even attributed my being a loner to it. I would say it was a classic case of giving more credit than is due. I paid no attention to how I looked. As long as I was not wearing torn clothes and did not smell like I had just stepped out of the gutter, I was fine. In fact I loved being plain, it removed a lot of fuss around me. I could walk in the middle of the road and be virtually un-noticeable. That was exactly how I had wanted my life to be - void of any distractions. As was usual, I had not ever denied nor confirmed my mom's expert analysis of the situation!
I closed the book I had been intently poring on. If only that damn librarian had allowed me to check that book out, I would have been spared of this torture. Damn, Damn, Damn! If only that mand had left me alone for a few more minutes, my research would have been done and I would have been sleeping peacefully like a baby. I loathed him. And that was the beginning and end of my love story - it had lasted more than a couple of hours. Enough to jolt me a little, but satisfying that I had passed an unexpected test of my innate character. That marked the beginning of another love story - one where I loved myself and who I was. The best love story of all because you control it and you have power over you. It boggles my mind how an individual can not only transfer the power over self to another individual so easily, but also fall head over heels to do that!
The only other time my mom had incited more than a dull stare in her direction apart from when she was dying was when she wondered about my marriage. Her opinion was that all good girls get married. All the self content smugness in her vanished when I retorted back with - "Well Ma, I am not a good girl!" The subject of marriage was never brought up again. Yes, I had a knack of making life give me what I wanted. No wonder I was in love with myself!
This knack not only made me a narcissist but also had other effects on my life. Love and I don't just mean the romantic kind of love - binds you, enslaves you and effectively eats away at your roots - slowy but surely erodes your individuality. Conciously and/or unconciously you tend to behave in a certain way that impresses the one that you love - you are a different person when you are with your mom, a different person with your lover, a completely different one with your friends and most certainly an ass with your kids you can't just stay true to your emotions and ambitions. If you do then you are termed a selfish person who cannot see beyong oneself, who does not care about anyone else..blah blah and more blah blah. I don't understand the logic in not being the #1 person in your own life! The whole play of a guilty conscience comes into the picture and if not the relationships, then this tumult within oneself will steam roll you into submission- to act according to the norms of the society - to take care of your loved ones, more than yourself! I have seen this happen with people around me who gradually loose their focus and a person who once held a lot of promise just withers away in the face of these emotional connections. To me they bring nothing but ruin to oneself and since I have already established the fact that I love myself, I have stayed away from these banalities called relationships all my life.
I have and still scoff at people who have questioned the purpose of my existence! What does she get out of life being all by herself. Who is there to celebrate her successes and who is there to share her joys and sorrows? Such a loner, how could she be happy? While I welcome their concern (NOT!), I would love to sock their concerned jaws with a blow that would wipe away all their silly poking into other people's lives. But to answer them I would say - nothing gives me more satisfaction than overcoming an obstacle all by myself. Even if I did not, I could just get up and try again or give up or whatever. I definitely don't need someone to pick me up, goad me to go on and then watch me fall. I'd rather fall, get up myself and do whatever I feel like doing - not do it for the sake of someone who needs me to be strong. I don't want to give anyone the satisfaciton of sharing my successes. They are all mine and I am mighty proud of them. So also my failures. I can't blame anyone except myself and that makes me try harder to overcome them.
I looked down from my book. The questionnaire. I had completely forgotten about it. I had refused the interview, so they had sent me this form.
How does it feel to be running for the position of the most powerful person in the world? Pretty good - I jotted down.
Are you confident you are going to win? Yes.
Being on top sometimes can be lonely. How does it feel up there? Awesome..
You are accused of being a loner. Are you? Yes.
Who or what do you attribute your success to? Me being a loner!
I switched off the TV. It isn't fun to watch myself being flanked by almost every important personality in the world! No matter who you are surrounded by its pretty nauseating to be in the midst of so many people.
**The End**
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)