Happiness is.....

This blog is inspired by one of my favorite blogger's latest blog. You can read it here. Meghana's Delightful Chasing Happiness Series

When one is young, one seems to have a clear picture of what makes them happy. I try to think back to the time when I was very young, which was quite a while ago I must add and trying to determine what it was that I yearned for to make me happy. I remember that for a while it was to get better grades than the girl who always stood first in class. After that was accomplished, I wanted to run faster than any other athelete in the school I used to attend. After that, I think my sights moved on to always getting 100% in Math. When I failed miserably in my Intermediate to achieve that, I was devastated. Also, we had moved to a bigger city and as such to a larger college. I remember, I went from being a very well-known figure in my school to being almost a non-entity in college. I yearned to be a part of the in-circle – the known girls. I might have come a little close by snatching almost all the sports medals that year. I loved going to the stage back and forth to collect my prizes, feeling on top of the world when I could hear murmurs and claps around going – this too?. But one prize I could not collect was the Ms.College title and how I coveted tha!. I was sure I would be happiest if I was crowned the beauty of the college. It took just one glance towards the winner before I realized I was living in a fool's paradise. I snapped out of it and moved on to an even bigger city for my Engineering.

Uptil that time I had studied in an all girls' environment and I remember the day I went to meet the principal of the minority engineering college I had gained admission to, trying to determine if I should continue there or go back to Vizag where I was admitted into the branch of Naval Engineering. I so wanted to do that course but was convinced by almost everyone in my family that Computers was the buzzword of the future. To them, I owe a lot but I still think I would've enjoyed being a Naval Engineer more at least at that point in time. I went to the admission's office trying to change my major to Electronics since there was something about computers that did not quite attract me. I think it had to do with the fact that I perceived it as being something not exciting, not quite hands-on, something where you had to sit on your butt all day trying to make a machine understand what you wanted it to do. (Pretty challenging in hindsight!). The Secretary of Admission's was amused. He showed me a list of students who were in the Computer Batch and another list of students in other branches who had requests to go into Computers. He advised me not to go against the tide and that computers was the next best thing. I looked at the class list. My name figured 8th. I looked at who was first – MWHK...Hmm must be quite a smart guy I thought. I grudgingly went with what everyone wanted me to do. I was not quite happy but at least I got to be in a throbbing city environment where for the first time ever I figured in the majority rather being a part of the minority. Technically, I could have crushes on almost every male specimen in the class and that in itself made me extremely happy.

I struggled with Computers that year. I was forlorn. I wanted to be no part of it. I cribbed at my family for not allowing me to take up Naval Engineering in Andhra University. Forgotten were all the boys though MWHK turned out to be the handsomest guy in the college, I did not quite have time for them. For the first time in my life I was doing badly in a subject which happened to be my Major and for me happiness meant conquering that hurdle and all my energies were focused on doing just that. Slowly but surely I gained ground and went on to love working with computers. But I had to go through major unhappiness to get there. Glad I persisted though. I cannot imagine a job in any other field that allows me to work full-time from home doing everything I want to do.

Soon studies were not the only thing to focus on. I was a part of a huge circle of friends and happiness meant being in their midst. There were our shares of crushes and heart-breaks but nothing serious. I had formed very close friendships with a few girls and boys and quite enjoyed being their confidante. There would be jocular fights sometimes as to who I was closer to and valued more and I really loved the ride to cloud 9. Yes MWHK was a part of the group too and we were very, very good friends.

One of my close friends who was in love with one of my girl friend's once told me – “She gives me happiness, you give me peace. “ When I took offense saying that I did not quite like the sound of that, he said something like you cannot really be happy without peace. I am sure he was just saying that without even thinking about what he was saying – at that stage in my life I could not quite appreciate its meaning because I did not understand it well. I will revisit this later in the blog. Happiness at that time meant going to college every day and getting to sit with the group drinking chai, eating samosas, playing antakshiri and trying to get one of us to give everyone a huge treat at the ice-cream parlor down the road. Ah! Life was simple and joyful.

As the days drew to an end, sights were set on higher education, going abroad or securing a job. After that life meant getting married to the man I loved. That was the be-all and end-all. I was sure I would be happy all my life if I could get married to him. I did, only to realize that what happened till then was just a prelude to happiness. Life after marriage was a constant challenge. Being young and naïve and inexperienced, happiness at that time meant being accepted and appreciated by the in-laws and everyone else around me. My happiness seemed directly proportional to how happy people around me were with me. I worked hard to achieve that happiness before realizing (a good many years later) that you cannot quite make everyone happy all the time and if you try to then you make yourself unhappy all the time. So I stepped back a little and instead of cooking up dinners for huge parties and trying to be there for everyone who needed or did not need me, I started working on the things that made me happy. Writing, reading, working out, watching cricket, learning new stuff like playing tennis and swimming and generally having more fun.

One thing I realized that gave me utmost happiness was being alone by myself. It's not that I don't love having people around – I adore my kids, I love my husband (MWHK!) to death, I enjoy my relationships – but the joy of just being by yourself from time to time is unparalleled. I could just sit in a corner doing nothing just staring out of the window, lost in my thoughts, watching the rain or the sunshine or the noiseless fall of the snowflakes. Nothing recharges me more. I love making myself a cup of coffee, sitting by myself and drinking it all up enjoying the warmth and taste of each sip that I take. If I have a book in hand, I would want nothing more. I could spend hours like this but alas! I don't have that luxury. There are jobs to do, things to take care of, kids clamoring for attention and grown-ups needing to be looked after. But whatever small bursts of time I get for myself, I enjoy every moment of it, yearning for more. When I hear moans from some quarters worrying about being alone by themselves, I am not sure who I want to kick more, them or myself. But then I remind myself that everyone is not the same and some people just cannot be happy with their own company. I am blessed to be that way. I love being with myself, having conversations with my thoughts, pursuing the things I consider worth pursuing, honing the meager talents I possess and most importantly not having anyone to look after but myself for a change. I think that when you learn to be happy by yourself then you remain just that most of the time. To me happiness is being at that point in life right now. I think I can relate more to my friend's comment about peace being more important than happiness finally.

Life for me has come a full circle, I think. I know exactly what makes me happy and more importantly what does not. I know what things give me satisfaction, make me feel whole and I strive to achieve them. But I am sure not to give anything so much significance that if it does not come through, I don't end up feeling like I have reached the end of the world. I give people their space, I don't expect much, I don't feel the need to control even my own kids,and I don't take up offense at minor things and in turn I get time to myself – to devote to whatever I want to devote it to. As long as my mind is at peace, I am happy. I don't need millions(though I wouldn't mind) of dollars or a huge house or exotic vacations or people I love to be constantly around me to be happy. All I need is a corner of my own where I could do whatever I want to – even eat meetha(sweet) and theeka(spicy) together which drives a lot of pople around me (pointed look at MWHK) up the wall.