“Anna...I never meant
for this to happen”. She said squeezing my hand very, very softly.
I smiled back weakly at her and managed with quite a bit of
difficulty to hoarsely whisper with every ounce of the last vestiges
of strength I had - “I know Jules!” before giving in to the
relief of sleep overtaking the conscious mind.
I don't know how many
times I slipped in and out of consciousness, but every time I opened
my eyes, I would find Julia hovering around in the room. Sometimes
she'd be pacing around, sometimes she'd be talking to me, sometimes
she'd be just standing in the corner her face looking pale as a
ghosts and sometimes she would be just holding my hand but every
single time she was there – right there with me. Not that I
expected anything less from her. She had been my best friend for as
far as I could remember. Some people would go even as far as to say
that we were like sisters, but I wouldn't. In fact, I would take
exception to such a cliched, thoughtless remark. I believe a
relationship of your own choosing where you are holding hands
throughout the vagaries of life as it take its innumerable twists and
turns, without any of the baggage that comes from being part of the
same family, is in my humble opinion on a much higher and easier
ground than the one you have to adhere to because you belong to the
same gene pool!
I saw her watching me
intently as the doctor goaded me to wake up. All I wanted was to turn
to the other side and continue sleeping.
“Please...” I could
sense the desperation in the slight quiver of her voice – like I
always did. I knew her so well that a slight increase in the pitch of
her voice, the tiniest of change in the way she greeted me would
allow me to make a fairly accurate guess about the reason why it was
happening.
“....Please...!”
I heard her pleading again
and again. I wanted to, I really wanted to open my eyes, say
something to assuage her fears, but all I could manage was an almost
inaudible grunt. Darkness once again enveloped me and I did not hear
much of the real world after that. I fell into a trance like dream
where the events of the past few days and those that happened years
ago got interspersed to deliver a jumbled snapshot of my memories
that could be attributed either to me loosing my mind or some kind of
powerful drug that was being administered to me. I rooted for the
later.
~~~~~~~~
The first time I saw
Julia, I remember being painfully shy. She was this enigmatic girl
who was the scion of a very rich family. She wore the most beautiful
clothes and had the most dazzling smile. Both boys and girls lined up
after her to be her friend. I was one of them too.
~~~~~~~~
“Are you upset with
me?”
“Shouldn't I be?”
“I guess...”
“I have every right
to...”
“I agree...”
“Oh! Please!”
“I
am sorry...”
“Sometimes, a sorry is
just not enough...!”
“OK! Then what is?”
“Maybe a
dinner!”
“You got it then. Let's go to a place of your
choice...!”
“hmmm....”
“oh come on now. Cut the
drama!”
“On one hand you are
apologizing to me and on the other you are being all bossy again!”
“I am not bossy!”
“You are..”
“Am not...”
“are too...”
“Am not...!”
~~~~~~~~
“Phone call for you!”
my mother yelled from the kitchen. I raced downstairs, I had been
waiting for this call forever.
“Hello...”
“Yes...sure. That would
be great.”
“Thanks for inviting me.
Bye!” I couldn't wait for Friday.
“Mom we need to pick up
a birthday gift for my BFF” I declared.
“BFF?”
“Oh come on Mom. You
don't know what a BFF is? Best Friends Forever!”
“Well, now I do, But
pray who is this BFF of yours?”
“It's Julia mom!” I
blurted out barely able to contain my excitement.
“Congratulations. I know
you wanted her to be your BFF for a long time.”
“Well, technically she
isn't for now. But that is going to change very soon and you are
going to help me with that.”
“Hoo boy! What fun!”
~~~~~~~~
My mom. She passed away
too quick, too fast. One moment she was heading out of the door after
her customary one month visit to my dorm and the next minute she was
hit by a van as she tried to get into the car and she died on the
spot. I was waving her goodbye and before I could say “See you
soon, Mom!”, she had vanished from my life completely. It took me
years to come to terms with her death. I held myself completely and
solely responsible for her death though I knew that it was the
reckless driver who had mowed her down. I vowed to hunt him
down and for the next few years devoted my whole life to becoming a
criminal lawyer which involved changing my major. Yes, it took me a
few more years to graduate. But armed with my degree and my natural
fire which had been raging for all these years, I tracked him down
and had him convicted. I became an instant celebrity. My career took
off big time. All I wanted was the image of terror on my mom's
face as the van approached her wiped away from my existence. It
didn't.
~~~~~~~~
The car was going too fast
– uncontrollably fast.
“Slow down Jules!.”
“If I slow down he will
kill us Julia.”
“and if you don't you will kill us. He won't do anything of
that sort..he doesn't have the balls to...please stop!”
“He had a gun in his
hand Anna”
“No, he did not. I was
there too.”
“He hid it when you
walked in...”
“Did he? Are you sure?”
“Yes,yes..I am s-s-ure”
“We have to call 911”
“911...What's your
emergency?”
“Don't look back
Julia...watch out!”
Too quick, too fast again
as the car rolled over and burst into flames.
~~~~~~~~
I could still feel the
flames around me. My hair, my beautiful hair. The long strands that
had a mind of their own and always refused to be put to order. I
could feel them sticking to me. I thrashed my head from side to side.
I could not bear their stickiness. Please, please get them out of my
face. I felt her cool hands over my forehead, pushing away the rogue
strands and then rubbing an ice cold sponge over it. Ah! That felt so
good. Like always not only did she know exactly what I wanted but
also did what I wanted. I looked up to see her lost in deep thought.
~~~~~~~~
“You have got to be
kidding me!”
“Nope!” I said smugly.
“Seriously?”
“In all seriousness!”
“I don't believe that
you could even be capable of doing this!”
“Well it's not like I
committed a crime or something. I knew you had a crush on Rob from
like the stone ages and I know he likes you too. I just had to put a
few pieces in place.”
“I don't know what to
say. This is just too incredibly unbelievable!”
“So don't say anything
and get ready for the date. He's going to be here in a few hours. We
have to make sure you dazzle him out of his mind and a few other
things!” I winked.
She laughed her tingling
smile of hers. A smile that always touched me with its complete
abandon. I wish I could smile like that – so easily and so from the
heart. Maybe one needed a childlike innocence to be able to smile
from the heart and laugh with such unbridled gaiety. I know she
possessed that innocence. Though she was an extremely intelligent and
bright woman, there were times I could not believe that she was as
pure of soul as she seemed to be. I would get irritated sometimes at
her over this, saying that I could not understand how a grown up,
mature woman like herself could behave as if she was just born. I
even accused her of acting and lying to trick the world. I still
remember the look of disbelief on her face as she tried to make sense
of what I had just said. I instantly regretted it but the small tear
in the corner of her eye made me feel like the lowest person that
ever existed on the earth. I felt so ashamed that I could not even
bring myself to apologize to her. Some scars can never be healed,
especially the ones made by someone who you think knows you inside
and out. So I concluded that it would be a waste even trying to do
that and I was bad at apologies anyways. We just went on with our
lives as if that moment had never happened, but every time she made a
thoughtless remark or whenever her naivete shone through, I could not
ever roll my eyes mocking her like I used to nor could she laugh at
herself like before. The unspoken word is so much harder to wipe away
than the spoken word sometimes.
~~~~~~~~
“Sorry....he did say he
was sorry!” she said with downcast eyes.
“What do you mean he
said sorry? After beating you black and blue he says sorry and you
are ready to forgive him?” I shouted at her my indignation getting
the better of me.
“Well he did not beat me
exactly!”
“oh really! So what did
he do that makes you look like you are acting in one of those horror
movies?”
“It was just a small
push you know...!”
“You call that a small
push?” I screamed at her reducing her to copious tears.
“You are going to regret
this big time one day. I wish you would get out of it before it kills
you and kills me in the bargain!” She continued crying and
continued seeing him. When a woman refuses to grow up, she not only
lands herself in a sea of trouble but also all the people who care
for her are dragged underwater with her.
~~~~~~~~
The tears came only when I
saw her. Ironically, she was the first person I called. Not even my
dad. She was an exchange student in Italy and it took her 2 days to
get to me. But she did. I was in a trance, but subconsciously I was
waiting for her. For people like me, crying does not come easy. I
clam up and just wait the period out, one second at a time. But as
soon as I saw her my iron clad reserve melted. The realization stuck
me that this was the only person in the world who cared about me like
my mom used to. My tears gratefully gushed out, the constriction that
had been choking the life out of me in my throat for the last couple
of days loosened and I just cried and cried and cried as she held me
without a word.
~~~~~~~~
“Tell me everything!”
“Not now Anna. Can we
talk about this tomorrow?” she groaned.
“I have been patiently
waiting for you to get back home from your date to listen to all the
juicy details and you say you want to talk tomorrow?”
“Yes!”
“All right then...I am
not setting up any more dates for you, no matter how much you are in
love with the guy!”
“Maybe, you wouldn't
need to!” Woah!
“What do you mean?”
“Oh!Anna, he asked me to
marry him!” I held my breath.
“...and you wanted to
tell me this tomorrow?”
“Well...yes”
“I assume you said yes?”
“Yes I did!”
“Good for you.
Congratulations.” I said icily.
“Please don't be so cold
about it. You know I owe all of this happiness to you. But I am so
tired...just so tired”
~~~~~~~~
I feel tired. So, so
tired. The heat from the flames seem to have subsided. I felt like I
had just been dragged through hell and back. I tried to open my eyes
to see where I was. I could not. I just heard voices. I wanted to get
up and walk out of this. I felt like I was suffocating, but I could
not move a muscle.
“Go to sleep, dearest
Anna!” Julia said and started to sing. She had such a wonderful
voice. She knew I would like that.
~~~~~~~~
“Happy Birthday Julia”
I said handing over what I thought was the most perfect gift for her
trying to obliterate the image of my mom glaring at me for dragging
her all over the town trying to locate it.
“oh! Thank you Anna.
This is the best gift I have ever received!” She said snatching it
out of my arms, squealing in delight. I gave my mom a I-told-you-so
look and felt on top of the world.
“Where'd you find it?”
It was my mom's turn to roll her eyes at me.
I would have loved to
capture that moment and live it over and over again. My child-like
enthusiasm at not only being invited to a gala birthday party of the
most coveted girl at school, but also impressing her with what I
chose for her was quite a euphoric feeling. My mom kept looking on
indulgently at me as I enjoyed myself thoroughly, forming a bond that
would last me a lifetime. I silently thanked her for not giving up on
my obstinacy in finding what I thought would be a perfect gift for
Julia as I dragged her day after day into store after store.
~~~~~~~~
“Thanks mom...” Ouch
that hurt. My lips felt like they were coming apart. I could not see,
I could not speak – I wonder what was wrong with me. I tried to
think back to the events which resulted in my ending up in what
seemed like an ICU of an A+ grade hospital. What had happened? Where
was I? My mind was wandering, I tried to get it to behave, trying to
get it to concentrate on what could be a few hours before now. Not
more than that I hope, but I couldn't be sure, could I? Pain seared
through my head, I tried to scream but only could hear a moan.
“Sssh...don't try to
talk. You are going to hurt yourself more...” She whispered close
to my ear.
~~~~~~~~
“Julia, you have to get
out of this …”
“You don't understand. I
can't. I love him, he loves me very much.”
There she goes again,
pulling her I-am-whiter-than-snow stunt on me again. Refusing to grow
up and take responsibility for her actions.
“What I don't understand
is how you could put up with this shit...with this man!”
“Please don't say
anything to him. He's not a bad person.”
“No,not at all. He is
just someone who abuses his fiancee in the name of love. He's all
good.”
“He is not the
problem...”
“I agree. He is not the
problem but you are Julia. Don't you see where this is leading you?
Please, please,please get out of it with whatever dignity you could
muster. I beg you Jules...get out it!”
“It's not so easy Anna!”
“Jules...life is as easy
as we make it to be.”
“Then why do you insist
on making it difficult for yourself?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.
Carrying the guilt of your mom's death in your heart, never forgiving
your dad and running away from men because your parents' marriage did
not work. Why don't you stop doing that and make life easier for
yourself?”
I looked at her
incredulously. She had changed so much in the past few months. I
could never imagine her saying something so hurtful to me. I took a
deep breath to let the anger subside...
“Julia..it's not
about me. If doing any of those things could bring back something, I
would be doing all of them in a heartbeat. But what would I get in
return? Would my mom come back to me? Would all those years without
my dad be returned to me? Would falling in love with a man confirm
that my life is going to be happy. But I guarantee you, if you leave
him, you can get your life back, at least what is left of it.”
There I had managed to deliver what I wanted to without blowing up.
“I can't Anna...please
understand!”
“Then maybe we can't be
friends anymore until you leave him.”.Crap! I had blown up.
“I can't believe you are
saying this...”
“I can't believe that
you are doing this either. That you are planning on marrying the man
who has reduced you to this.”
“He loves me Anna!”
I groaned.
“I am a grown woman
Anna. I know what's good for me.” she said slowly with a steely
resolve that I had no idea existed within her.
“Well you sure don't act
like it.”
“Can't you just let it
go. Give him..us...a chance.”
“I can't... you know
why? Because I love you and I can't stand around looking while he
hurts and destroys you. And that my dear girlfriend, is the
definition of true love.”
“He is not doing that”
“Right! You are allowing
yourself to be destroyed. Please, Jules, Don't!”
“Please Anna, don't ask
me to do something that would make me miserable the rest of my
life.”
“I cannot stand on the
sidelines watching him trample all over you.”
“Then don't!”
We did not see each other
nor speak to each other for days after that.
~~~~~~~~
I held myself responsible
for the situation she found herself in – after all I was the one
who had taken the lead in setting the both of them up. Like her, I
had thought Rob to be a decent good looking man who seemed to care a
lot for her. Instead as days passed I uncovered the real cad in him –
a misogynist, who could feel complete in abusing his woman and felt
pleasure in doing so to the women who had the misfortune of falling
for his misplaced charm and the I-am-vulnerable-than-an-infant look
in his eyes. I had always prided myself on being too smarty pants,
who could weed out the good pennies from the bad within minutes of
meeting them, but I had erred where it mattered the most – with the
life of my best friend.
~~~~~~~~
“You know it's okay to
cry, don't you?” she said softly. I hated it when she would talk
like that to me. Hesitantly, as if I scared her and she wasn't very
sure about how I'd react. I always hoped that the man in her life
would be mature enough to handle this innate sensitivity in her with
care. She could get so easily get into trouble. I would have to watch
out for her.
“Anna?”
“Yes...I heard you. I
know that, but what do you want me to cry for?”
“Anna....”
“It doesn't mean
anything to me. He doesn't mean anything to me. So why should I be
shedding my precious tears for him. It's not like he's been any
different, so why should I expect him to be different because my mom
died in an accident in front of my eyes. I am sure he's busy
cavorting with one of his secretaries or trying out another bizarre
idea of his to make millions to even think about me – that his
daughter could at least use one phone call from him for at least a
minute with a simple – how are you doing question. No, I don't
expect that from him nor will I call him.”
“I did.”
“WHAT?”
She shrunk back.
~~~~~~~~
My dad and I have always
had a tempestuous relationship. I never forgave him for leaving my
mother, though I never quite knew the reason why they had decided to
separate. I was too young to understand and from what little I could
at that young age – all seemed normal to me. That made it even more
difficult for me to cope. I had no inkling this was coming.
Everything was hunky-dory one day with my parents attending my
orchestra recital one day, hand in hand, clapping for me, cheering me
on and then the next day, he was gone without as much as a goodbye
never to return to live with us again.
~~~~~~~~
“MY! It is huge”
“Isn't it?”
“So when's the big
date?”
“Well we don't know yet.
There are so many things we have to sort out before we set a date.
For now, I am going to be moving in with him!”
“Oh are you? You sure?”
“Positive. There's
nothing I want more. We are going to live together for a few months
and hopefully agree to a date considering both of our busy schedules.
But that is going to change.”
“What is going to
change?”
“My busy schedule...”
“Are you taking some
time off?”
“No Anna. Rob wants me to stop working and
concentrate on our upcoming wedding and our marriage after that. You
see he want me all to himself.”
“Rob wants you to stop?”
This was not good.
“..and what about you?
What do you want?”
“I want what he wants
Anna. I want to make him the happiest man in the world. I can do
anything for him.”
“You sound like a love
struck teenager to me.”
She giggled.
“I think you are
spoiling him Julia. You should not just blindly do things because he
wants you to. You have to determine if what he wants from you is what
you want from yourself.”
“I do and thanks Anna.
You know I owe all this happiness to you...if it hadn't been for you,
I might have never met the most amazing man in the world!” The
warning bells in my head started to ring.
~~~~~~~~
I winced at the memory.
“Julia...Jules...” I
tried to call out for her.
“I am here Anna. Please
don't try to move or speak....” I could hear her muffled sobs and
saw her crying. Yep, she was fine.
~~~~~~~~
“Anna dear...”
I stopped dead in my
tracks. I could not believe she could have gone as far as actually
calling my dad. I am not sure what all she said to him, but knowing
her penchant for highly emotional dramas, I was sure it was something
I would quite detest.
“Honey... I am so sorry,
I did not come earlier. I was in a very remote area and I had to fly
a long way...I set off as soon as I heard...”
I was seething with anger.
I turned slowly to face them. They were looking at me with a lot of
trepidation but I could easily discern one emotion emanating from the
both of them – concern for me. I was in a very vulnerable situation
and my heart melted at the thought that I was once again surrounded
by the people who cared about me. I gave in to the tears, hugging him
tight.
~~~~~~~~
I wondered if Dad was
around somewhere. He should have known by now, surely. Julia must've
called him at first chance.
“Dad...” I called out
feebly. There was no response.
“He's on his way here
Anna. He should be here in a few hours.” she said gently.
~~~~~~~~
“What is that?”
“What?”
My eyes widened. It could
not be what it looked like, would it? From the way she tried to turn
away from me, I knew my worst fears had come true.
“Did he hit you?”
“What are you talking
about?”
“That big blue bruise on
your face is what I am talking about.”
“Oh this. I tripped and
fell...”
“You tripped and fell
and bruised your face?”
She kept quiet. I don't
think she had ever lied to me before. Everything has a start which is
difficult and shocking in the beginning but as time passes, it
becomes easier and the shocking effects subsides. She started lying
much more easily about everything related to Rob and her and even
though I knew she was lying, I decided that I would not force the
realization on her but rather wait for it to happen.
~~~~~~~~
“Julia seems nice...”
“Oh thank you Mom. I
think so too. I am glad you like her.”
“It's a bit surprising
though...”
“What?”
“That you girls are such
good friends. You seem so different from each other.”
She was right. I could not
quite place it either, how we clicked with each other in spite of
being complete opposites in our approach and outlook towards life. My
answer to her was nothing more than a cliched - “Opposites attract,
Mom!” with a silly wide grin on my face.
~~~~~~~~
“Slow down Jules.”
“He's coming for me
Anna. He's going to kill me...”
“He can't lay a finger
on you Julia. Please slow down. Let us call 911 and the police will
be here. I can't see him following us for that matter...Please slow
down.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I am, please slow
down.”
“I can't Anna. I am too
scared!”
~~~~~~~~
I could hear her calling
out to me. I ignored her. I had specifically asked her to leave me
alone and here she was doing the opposite.
“Anna...open the door or
I will have someone come down and break it down...”
For all her
vulnerabilities, she could be quite persistent, the pesky little
thing.
“Anna...” her voice
grew louder. I dragged myself out of the bed and headed towards the
front door. I had to turn away as she pushed the door in trying to
protect my eyes from the bright sunlight that streamed in.
“I don't believe this.
What are you doing to yourself?”
“I am just trying to
sleep!”
“For the past 2 days?”
“Well...I am tired.”
“Anna...please. You are
not responsible for what happened. Please stop trying to convince
yourself of otherwise and feeling bad for yourself. Your moping
around is not going to help anyone. I am going make you some coffee
and in the meantime I need you to get into the bathroom and try to
straighten yourself so that I don't feel like I have come to see the
Grinch!”
I smiled.
“Yes Ma'm” I threw her
a mock salute. Things were going to be ok when Jules was around. She
was going to take care of me.
~~~~~~~~
I don't know what hurt
more. The fact that she was allowing him do that to her or the fact
that she had been hiding things from me for so long for the first
time in her life. I felt betrayed but more than anything else I felt
furious. How could the bastard do this to her? I walked out while she
was still turned away from me.
“Wait..Anna...Please
wait...Anna...”
~~~~~~~~
“Anna...Anna...” she
was calling out to me. I woke up with a start. My neck hurt when I
tried to move it. I could feel her gentle hands steadying me.
Exhausted by the pain, I stopped trying. As with so many instances of
my life, I was quietly grateful that Julia was around. I looked
towards her and caught her smiling back at me. I tried to do the
same but it hurt too much and I winced. She laughed. Yes things were
going to be just fine – Julia was right there looking after me, as
usual.
~~~~~~~~
“I am going to wait
outside for not more than 10 minutes. Do whatever you have to do and
come back. Otherwise I am coming in.” I told her quietly.
“Don't worry, I will be
back. I think I owe it to him after so many years to let him know
that I am leaving him.”
“You don't owe him a
thing Julia and I don't know why you insist on creating a highly
emotional scene when none is required”
“Please...you said you
would support me if I let you accompany me...”
“I already regret saying
that. I should never have let you come here....”
I don't think she heard me
as she had already climbed out of the driver's seat walking towards
what a few hours ago she used to call her home.
~~~~~~~~
It took me years to
recover from my mother's accidental death. After blaming myself for a
couple of years while doing everything possible short of committing
suicide to harm myself, I agreed to go into Rehab at Julia's
persistence and with my Dad promising to look after my practice while
I was gone. I was once again riding on the shoulders of the people
who cared about me and not at all thrilled about the idea. I was in
and out of the Rehab for a while before being let off in a year with
the assurance that I was completely cured and there was no danger of
me being a nuisance to myself or the people around me. I never
believed that. Julia was there as usual to greet me and drive me back
home. As we made our way out towards the car, I saw him for the first
time.
“Anna this is Rob...”
she introduced him to me.
“I have heard so much
about you Anna, it is not even funny!”
“Well Rob I haven't
heard anything about you and that is funny!”
All of us laughed. I liked
him. We had got off on the right foot. He seemed like a good guy and
Julia seemed so taken in with him, though she seemed a little bit
different around him. Couldn't quite place if she was just shy or a
wee bit scared of him. I was too tired to think more and just watched
them as they talked to each other animatedly. One thing I was sure
about, they were much in love and that is all that mattered.
~~~~~~~~
“Sometimes love is not
enough...” my mom said wistfully.
“Then why mom?”
“Anna, you've got to
understand that sometimes it is very difficult for 2 people to live
together.”
“I never saw you fight
with him, so why is he leaving us now?”
“Because I asked him
to...” she said simply.
“MOM! Why would you do
that. Please, please ask him to stay...”
“I am sorry honey, but I
can't!
“Why not? You say you
love him, you say he loves us, then why did you ask him to leave.”
“He's not happy with me
Anna.”
“How could he not be
Mom. You are such a wonderful woman...”
“His definition of a
wonderful woman is quite different from yours Anna.”
“But you are the same
woman Mom.”
“Yes...but I am his wife
while I am your mother. Just because you think I am a good mother
doesn't necessarily mean he thinks I am a good wife”
“I hate him, Mom”
“Anna..don't say that.
He's your Dad!”
“No, he's not. I will
never forgive him”
“You never know, Anna,
you never know.”
“I know I am not ever
going to let him in my life ever again!”
~~~~~~~~
“Anna...” I heard my
Dad calling out to me. So he was here finally. I wanted to tell him I
could hear him. I could not move a muscle. I felt him squeezing my
hand. That felt good.
~~~~~~~~
I gave her another 5
minutes before heading inside. I thought I was prepared for
everything but when I saw what was going on I could not believe how I
could have so totally misjudged Bob. Julia lay sprawled on the ground
as she stood looming over her. I could only hear him say over and
over again
“You cannot leave me. I
will not allow you to do that. You bitch!” He was about to raise
his hand when I shouted at him - “One finger on her and I am going
to make sure you rot in hell, you bastard!”
He raised his eyes towards
me. One tell tale sign of cowards is no matter how brave they can be around timid people the minute they encounter
someone who is not afraid of their made up persona, they just balk. He was
the same. He slunk way from her as I moved forward whispering
something in her ear. She stood up uncertainly as I gathered her in
my arms leading her out.
“I am sorry...” she
whispered.
“Now's not the time
Julia. We will address this later.”
She did not say anything
after that.
“Are you sure you can
drive?” I asked her.
“Yes” she mumbled as
she climbed inside her car.
~~~~~~~~
“Rob seems like a nice
guy.”
“Yes I met him at work.”
“He works with you?”
“No he works in the same
building. We met at lunch.”
“You like him, don't
you?”
She was blushing. I groaned.
“Come on, I think you
are old enough and we go back long enough for you to admit to me that
you love this man...”
“Anna! How did you
know?”
“Well I can read your face and its plainly written
there for me to see that you are quite taken in by his charm..”
She laughed. I once again
paused to hear it. I felt so good when she laughed. That all was
right with my BFF and if she was all right she was going to make sure
I was too.
~~~~~~~~
“My parents are
divorced.”
“Oh! Is that why your
Dad is not around.”
“Yes he moved far, far
away. Mom says it's because he needed a fresh start. I believe it is
because he wanted to get away as far as possible from me...from us.”
“Maybe you should have
faith in your Mom, Anna!”
“Maybe not.”
“Do you miss him?”
“NO!”
~~~~~~~~
I could hear voices again.
This time they were not so jumbled. I could actually listen without
making too much of an effort. I think my dad was talking to the
doctor. I wondered where Julia was. It had been a while since I heard
or felt her around. I heard footsteps and the voices faded way. I
must be alone. I did not like that feeling. I did not want to be
alone. I hated being alone. I hated my Dad for leaving us alone, I
hated my mom for dying and leaving me alone and I hated Julia for
allowing a jerk of a man come between us.
~~~~~~~~
“I thought you said you
were never going to leave him.”
“I was wrong...”
“I am glad you realize
that.”
“Me too.”
“So what happened for
you to look at the light? After the last argument we had it seemed
like you were ready to take even more shit from him”
She did not say anything.
“Well?” I peristed.
“He asked me to stop
seeing you.” she said with eyes downcast. I was grateful she was
not looking at me. I was completely thrown aback.
“I am going to have to
tell him. I will be back.”
“I am not going to let
you go alone.” I said following her, steadying myself.
~~~~~~~~
“So, Rehab did the trick
for you?”
“Well yeah as far as the
substance abuse goes I guess.”
“So you still feel the
same about what happened?”
“I don't think I can
feel anything different ever.”
“Why do you blame
yourself?”
“I don't. But I can't stop thinking how different
things would be had I walked with her to the car. Maybe I could've
opened the door for her...”
“You could have gotten
killed too...”
“I would take that
compared to this.”
I am not sure if what I
said that day to her still stands. Yes, I would give anything to have
held my mother back for long enough to have let the speeding van
speed by instead of ramming into her. But would I have wanted to
taken her place on that fateful day? I don't know. I feel happy to be
in the place where I am in now – a very successful career where I
can channel my pent up anger,guilt and rage to track down criminals
rather than becoming one myself ..something I had wanted to do all my
life, an aversion towards men and anything related to them that keeps
me out of many a trouble and then I have Julia to come back to. I was
living in the best of both worlds. I wouldn't think my mother would
have quite approved of my professional lifestyle where work ruled
over everything else. In the same vein of all the mothers of the
world, my mother wanted for me what was important to her and what she
failed to achieve for herself – a good marriage with a bunch of
brats running around ruining my life. I did what a majority of
daughter's in the world do – run in the opposite direction. It's
just that she died in between and I could never stop feeling guilty
over how everyone she had held precious in her life had disappointed
her – especially the one she had lavished all her love and
attention on. I missed her so much and I would have to say what I
said to Julia that day still stands.
~~~~~~~~
“What did he say to
you?”
“uh-huh?”
“When I was coming
towards you he whispered something into your ear. What did the
lowlife have to say?”
“He said he was coming
for me and that he would..he would..”
“He would what?”
“...k-k-kill you first
and then k-k-kill me!”
I laughed hard as she
looked on completely startled.
“How can you laugh at a
time like this?”
“I find it entertaining
that a coward like him would have the gall to say something like
that. Very amusing indeed! If not for anything I could get him into
jail for just this.”
“No, Anna. Please don't
say that!”
I looked at her. Is this
what love reduces you to? I shook my head glad that it had not
happened to me and there weren't many chances that it would ever
considering the sort of people I spent all my time with.
~~~~~~~~
I felt sore all over. How
long had it been? I saw Julia moving about. I wanted to ask her so
many questions. What had happened? Where was I? What's going on? Am I
all right? Is she OK? My head hurt. I could feel her coming near and
peering into my face. “Anna...Anna...Come back....I miss you so!”
She straightened up as I heard the door open.
~~~~~~~~
I tried to get out but I
couldn't. I could feel the smoke around me. I couldn't see anything
and it was so unbearably hot. I tried to call out for Julia but I
could not stop coughing. My foot seemed to be stuck somewhere and
when I tried to jerk it out, the pain was so acute, I think I passed
out. I don't remember anything much after that.
~~~~~~~~
“Anna...Anna...Anna!”
I heard Julia calling out to me for attention.
“...you told me to keep
away from him! I should've listened to you.” She was talking to me.
I strained my ears to listen.
Well, not at first I
wanted to say.
“I know you feel
responsible for me getting together with Rob, but Anna don't you
realize that it would've happened with or without your intervention.
I don't want you to hold it against yourself for yet another
lifelong guilt trip.”
I winced. That was already
a done deal.
“You have been always so
good to me.You have tried to show me the practical side of living
life. I always shied away from the truth, you always held up the
mirror to me. Rob is not a bad person, believe me. Please don't go
after him...”
I wish I could roll my
eyes. She still cares about him. I guess some people can never quite
change no matter what they are put through.
“I know you must be
feeling mad at me for saying so...but...that's who I am Anna and I
know you have accepted me with all my failings.”
My anger softened but I
could not quite understand the timing of her monologue. Surely we
could talk about this when I could contribute my 2 cents to the
conversation?
“The doctor just told
your dad that you are going to be fine and there is no permanent
damage to your legs. Anna, I can't tell you how long I have been
waiting to hear that. I wouldn't have been able to take it had it
been anything otherwise. I did this to you Anna. After everything
that you did for me, this is the destruction I brought upon you!”
Silly girl. Emotional as
ever.
“I am so,so sorry. I
have to go now Anna. I hope you take care of yourself and stop
feeling guilty about your mom. I am so happy to see your dad here and
hopefully you move in with him like he has always wanted and finally
have a family like you always wanted. Good Luck Anna. Bye and yes
Best Friends Forever Girl Friend!”
“You bet Girl Friend!”
I blurted out and the words came out crystal clear. The nurse came in
rushing and then there was a flurry of activity as the doctor's
started coming in one by one. My dad was there too talking excitedly.
I guess they had been waiting for me to say something.
“Open your eyes Anna!”
The doctor said firmly. What a monumental effort that turned out to
be. I could just get them to open a little. The doctor persisted and
after what seemed like an eternity I could finally see around me.
There was dad looking on anxiously at me.
“You doing allright
Angel” he asked.
“Yes dad!” I answered
feebly.
Where was Julia? I scanned
the room again trying to locate her. The effort proved too much and I
had to close my eyes again.
“Where's Julia?” I
asked.
“She's around Honey.
Don't worry.”
“I won't stop worrying
until I see that bastard in jail for what he put Julia through. I
need you to help me book a criminal case against him dad holding him
responsible for the accident.”
“We can think about that
later Anna”
“No Dad. I can't rest
until I know that he's out of her life completely. Please, do this
for me. ”
“All right.”
“I will call my
secretary Irene and ask her to prepare the paper work. Could you
please pick it up from my office and bring them here?”
“Sure Dear. After all
you are the expert. You would know better!”
Yes I did and I was
already feeling better.
The next day I was feeling
strong enough to sit down and drink some soup. A nurse helped me with
it. I was indignant that Jules wasn't there. Where was she? Didn't
she know I needed her doing all this for me. There was something
definitely not right.
“Are you all right?”
the nurse asked me.
Maybe I could ask her.
“Do you know where Julia
is?”
“Julia who?”
“My friend Julia, the
one who's been with me the whole time.”
“I haven't seen anyone
other than the medical staff around you except your dad.”
“When did you start
tending to me?”
“The day you joined.”
“When was that?”
“Just over a couple of
weeks ago!”
“...and you never saw
Julia”
“No”
“That can't be...”
“OK we are all done
here. You should get some rest.”
When Dad came in that
evening to see me...I pounced on him immediately.
“Where is Julia?”
“She's around Anna.”
he said simply.
“Well I don't see her,
do you? Where is she? Did she go back to that looser? Tell me the
truth...did she decide to leave me fighting for my life while she
took beatings from him after all he did!”
“Anna...Please relax...”
“Where is she Dad?”
“She's gone Anna!”
“Gone? Gone where?”
“She died in the
accident.” he said slowly.
“who died in the
accident?”
“Julia did Honey. She
didn't make it.”
He got to be kidding me.
“What are you talking
about? She was here till about yesterday. She was talking with me,
taking care of me. I saw her with my own eyes!”
“We wanted to wait for a
while before telling you. We knew it would devastate you.”
So who was talking to me,
setting my hair straight, cooling me down. There has to be some
mistake somewhere.
“I don't believe you
Dad. I think you are lying to me. Doing all this so that I agree to
move to your place. Well, I won't. I know what it is like to have one
of the most important person in your life get up and just leave.”
“I am sorry Anna. I was
young...I did not know better.”
“I know better and I am
apaled that you could be the same old manipulative selfish son of a
bitch that you always were.”
There – I had said it.
Something I had wanted to say to him since that night when he calmly
walked out of our lives to pursue one of his own.
The doctor walked in.
“Anna...I need to talk
with you.”
“If you are going to lie
to me, I don't want to hear you say anything.”
“Why would I lie to
you?”
“I don't know. Maybe my
dad manipulated you to so that I would agree to go with him.”
“Even if he did, don't
you see it's out of his love for you.”
“No.”
“Well it is.”
“Where's Julia?”
"What
your Dad told you is the truth Anna...”
“...She was pronounced dead
at the site.”
I stared at him for what seemed like eternity before finding my voice.
”Then
who was it that was talking to me yesterday. Who was it that I saw
almost every hour of everyday in my room?”
“You must've imagined it
Anna” he said coolly.
“I don't have that good
of an imagination!”
“Well then you must've
been hallucinating.”
“I saw her so many
times. She was standing next to my bed. She told me what you said
about me getting better. She told me so many things. I couldn't have
hallucinated or imagined that stuff. I saw her standing right where
you are standing right now...not once but so many times.”
“You couldn't even open
your eyes till yesterday Anna, so how you could you have possibly
seen her?”
I stood staring out of the
window. Everything me seemed as empty as my empty apartment.
“Ready, Angel?” My dad
whispered.
“Yes Dad.”
“Anyone you want to see
before leaving?”
“She was all I had here
Dad and she did say Good Bye when she left. I have to make a quick
phone call though.”
“Sure”
“Irene...it's me. Could
you please drop that case we were preparing against Rob...yes....no,
I won't be needing anything related to that case. Just destroy them
completely.” I breathed out.
Boy was it difficult to honor her wishes against mine – the least and unfortunately the last thing
I could do for her. My best friend forever.
