What is your favorite season?

This seems to be a standard question for everyone. The change of seasons took a special meaning for me, once I moved to North Central United States. In India there seemed to be like 2 seasons - the rains and the summer. Yes, there might have been a brief 2 weeks of winter, but mostly I never noticed much the change in seasons, except perhaps the rainy season which would be a welcome relief when it began but would soon morph into something of a nuisance when it got out of hand. 

But moving to the United States changed all that for me. Especially when I started to live in Chicago, I was subjected to the most intense change of seasons. There was a song from a movie, I cannot quite remember the title of that went something like - "Pathjhad, saawan, basant, bahaar, ek baras me mausam chaar, mausam chaar" (There are 4 seasons in a year - Fall, Rains, Spring, Summer - though basant and bahaar mean spring, I am sure that is what the poet meant). I got to experience this full throttle here but instead of the "paanchwa mausam pyaar ka, intezaar ka" (fifth season is of love and waiting), the fifth and the most dominant season here happens to be winter which is just starting out here and is expected to last for the next 6 months at the least before we spring into bahaar!

So having experienced these seasons for more than 2 decades now, I was thinking to myself which season do I like the most? Which season would I most associate myself and look forward to? I pondered as I started out of the window because sometimes in Chicago it feels like you are subjected to all the seasons in a matter of days. Starts of being warm and sunny like summer, then goes on to become a little chilly like Spring, followed by even more cold with leaves blowing around like Fall and then of course the layer of snow on the ground and before you know it, the rain starts like today. As you can see, I was not exaggerating. In fact there is a joke that goes around here that says in Chicago you could experience all the seasons in a day. While I do agree with that to an extent (at least 50% of the seasons in a day), I will let that pass.

In a nutshell, I meant that I have experienced almost all fo these seasons in the past few days.  The view from. my window is quite something. There is a brook in front surrounded by trees, some ever greens (that give the feeling of spring) and other bare ones (from the fall). The best part is that I can see the sunset from this window. The sunset also changes according to the seasons.

During the summer season (4 days ago), I was greeted in the morning by a bright sun that streamed sunlight into my cozy home warming everything it fell on and especially my heart. The sun reflected off the waves in the placid lake whose tiny waves shimmered and danced like silver beads. The ebb and flow of the water, bringing together the sun's rays like glass and then shattering it into a million little pieces of light. The play of sun in the water, I watched all day long as the trees basked in the glorious morning followed by a warm afternoon and finally the time I wait holding my breath for- the sunset. The sky took on different colors of a painters palette, as everything condensed into a stillness of space and time that enveloped my being. The calm and peace I feel when I watch the sun and its surrounding which encompasses the while sky, change colors as it goes from a brightly shining star to a ball of fire is simply mesmerizing. The orange hues around it make the blue sky appear purple, red, orange, yellow and all the shades in between. All I can do is stare out of the window and thank Allah SWT for blessing me with such a perfect moment as I watch the sun descend into the waters and disappear with the last ray, another day of life just having passed without me being hungry, homeless or uneducated. Everything and more to be grateful for! Surely, summer is my most favorite season?

Through the night, I felt the winds picking up speed a little and the temperature coming down. I could feel the spring in the air as I get up next morning to be greeted by the same bright sun tempered down by the coolness in the wind. "Jaise Sardi ki dhoop" (Like Winter's Sun) sang Anil Kapoor, 25 years ago to Manisha Koirala! One could be deceived into thinking that it is yet another summer day only to go out into the balcony and realize that is a day for a sweater! The evergreens reflect the sun in the green of their leaves which seems to be now glistening with a bright hue. Just like the early days of Spring when the trees are bursting forth with sprouts. I could almost feel the tree in front ready to do just that as I watch the nodes with their last bit of green remaining. Spring promises to be an awesome season and just this slight peek is giving me the hope for the future. That one day I will see this Tree Blossom, that one day I might not be able to have that clear a view of the sunset because it would be blocked by the leaves on the trees. But for now I enjoy the sunset as I get a clear view between the bare branches of the tree. The temperature getting distinctly colder as it wins over the day and the sun sets deciding to fight the battle another day as it finds the earth going farther and farther away from it. The onset of winter seems ominous! Spring seems like the obvious favorite, right?

The wind picks up speed during the night and I could feel it whooshing away, trying to make its way into my home with continuous run-ins at the glass doors and windows. The skies are a little grey in the morning with the winds carrying them around fast and everything is blowing outside. The trees are swaying, like a vigorous dance to shake away all the remnants of a past life. The birds are trying to hold on to dear life as they pick the last berries from the trees. The water seems to be going with the flow of the wind as the waves get bigger and faster. The majestic sun tries to make an appearance but is kept in check by the darkening clouds. He does manage to peek here and there and I catch glimpses of bright sunlight streaming, making everything in my home also golden. I can't wait for the sunset and it does come once again glorious in its colors and breathtaking in its appearance. Even the wind pauses its march to take a breath as I take in the marvelous scene before me. There are more colors than my eye can distinguish. Every hue of every color possible. Surely, such perfection can be achieved by Mother Nature only. I watch as a perfect fall day ends and everything around me stands bare with the last vestiges of pride taken away - but there is a humility in that arrogance. Like they are resigned to fate and accept it graciously. That they will wait out the season patiently to come back stronger and with more power just like the wind does once it realizes that the day is complete! Or is it Fall?

The temperature drops significantly that night and the next day I am greeted with a dusting of snow on the ground, trees, the grass and the cars. A fine layer of white powder it looks like that makes everything look unadulterated and pure. The skies are bright as the sun starts its ascend. I could feel the snow starting to disperse with the rays of sunlight. They hold on for a while though. The tree branches are layered with the snow like a white outline on the dark branches. Its a slight to behold, like someone took a pencil and sketched in white over them. A bird has walked on the snow on the balcony and its dainty foot steps gladden my soul. I see the geese flying low as they wail a little because they have not been able to migrate and they know that their life is going to be tough in the months to follow. But they are brave souls who don't seem to mind that much and are intent on enjoying what remains of the warmth as they swim clearing the dusting of white snow on the waves. How easily they navigate the coldness of the water, the chill of the air - their home is the outside and they don't mind. They are together as a family encouraging each other and staying together as they navigate the vicissitudes of life ahead. It would be a joy to watch them as they overcome the challenge together, staying in the warmth of my home looking out of the window! By the time the sunset approaches, all the snow has been wiped off the face of the earth. All that remains is that slight chill in the air and of course the spectacular colors in the sky. I see everyone around resigning to fate and trying to get cozy and warm. Could it be winter?

Next morning, I get up to grey skies. There is no chance for the sun to even give a slight peak. The only evidence one gets of its presence is the light and a few bright spots on where it could be positioned behind the clouds. As the day passes, even that evidence is lost and if it were not for the clock, one would think the sunset was right around the corner. The rain comes down from time and time and then stops for a while. It has a mind of its own. The pitter patter of the rain drops gives me a sense of peace. I love the sound of water and the sound or rain is especially pleasing. Small droplets form on the window panes and makes zig zag lines as they find their way to the earth. The trees are dripping wet and seem to be trying their best to get rid of the water on their branches. Life sustaining water becomes too much to handle - just like everything else in life. Even too much of a good thing can lead to disaster. I find the falling of the raindrops on the lake comforting,  like the closing of a circle. Water coming back to where it originated from. Joining a waterbody and becoming a part of it. Loosing its individuality but not its character. Adding itself to a vastness that encompasses the whole universe. One day for us to be the same, being returned to our place in the cosmos. Becoming one with the world around us. There is no sunset to watch today, the skies just keep getting darker and darker. There is a brief display of very subdued colors before everything merges into one color - the trees, the skies, the lake and everything in between. From a burst of different colors to all coming together as if they are all connected together - the living and the non-living, adding me to the mix. Surely, its the rainy season that beats all?

I feel like every season is my favorite season. The good, the bad and the ugly. Just the fact that I am alive, and well to experience them from the porch of my home makes every season a favorite season and every day the best day of my life till that point in time  because I am alive to capture the beauty of it. I am the season. I become one with each changing season. I change, my perception changes. I continue to be awed by Allah's creations - the subtle changes, the mighty difference - but still everything falling into an easy pattern - a rhythm, a frequency that I try hard to vibrate with. I cannot get myself to choose one over the other. Everything is just so perfect, Alhumdulillah.

A letter to my son (at least a decade into the future)

A letter to my son when he starts to think of getting married.

Y,

You are a young man now, a very handsome, accomplished and happy young man I am sure. You must be at a point in your life where you would now love  to share that happiness and success with someone special in your life. Someone who not only shares these positive things with you but someone who lends you a helping hand in the not-so-good moments that life throws at you. Someone who helps you grow even more as an individual and someone who enables you to see the world in a way that you never knew even existed – from her point of view. Believe me the world you live in and take for granted as a man is a completely different beast to tackle when you are from the other gender. I am sure it feels great to be valued, praised and encouraged for your unique capabilities, to be welcomed with smiles, slaps on the back and “You go boy!” shouts wherever you go.  This might make you not so well versed with the ordeal of being judged for what you wear (and what you don’t wear), what you say (and what you don’t say), what tone of voice you use (the pitch, the bass, the tenor etc.), what words you use to convey your message (what words you don’t), how much you smile (how much you scowl, how much you smirk, how much you don’t smile), how you smile…the list is endless. I have tried to make you see the world from your sister’s point of view, but I realize that you cannot really takes peeks from time to time and understand what she is going through. As a younger brother, I can understand that you weren’t quite on the same plane as her to be able to decipher and digest the issues that she was facing as she tackled school, college, family, career and life. But that is going to change.

Soon, you will be sharing your life with a woman that you love. She will be part of your life like no other, not even me. I want to make sure that you give the most important woman in your life the significance she deserves. Yes, my darling son, she should be the most important woman in your life – not your mom, not your sister nor your best friend, not even your future daughter. The woman you are going to marry, the woman who is going to share every little aspect of your life, the woman who is going through the ordeal of giving birth to your children, the woman who is going to walk beside you hand in hand, should be the woman you value the most. She should get your utmost respect, attention and above all your love. Go ahead and fall gloriously in love with her. Love like you have never loved before. Love her like she’s a part of you. Love her like she deserves to be loved – completely and with abandon. Spoil her with your attention, with your adherence to her likes and dislikes – ignore the world that might label you with their misogynistic titles – a henpecked husband being the top of the list. You have my permission to show them the finger I have asked you not to show to anyone. This is the kind of situation that you need to preserve it for. I know I have raised a strong young man who does not get fazed by the meaninglessness of the bad wide world.

I want to see you falling hopelessly in love with your woman. I want you to do everything for her ignoring the customs, follies and the we-mean-you-well friends and family members. I want you to break the mold of - “I am the man, my family, my boss, my dog should get more preference than you, your family, your boss and your dog” mentality that is so prevalent among men in general and South Asian Men in particular. My dear son, if you ever make your marriage a battle of egos, it will never work. Learn to let go, even though it is hard to let go, learn to let go. Learn to adapt, to change, to think beyond one’s family, one’s friends. It’s quite OK if she gives more preference to her family. Her parents have brought her up, she has lived surrounded by her family all her life, how and why should you expect her to suddenly treat yours better? That is quite unfair. Let her love her mom, dad and siblings in peace. Let her continue her old associations and relationships as she wants to. Never ever make her choose or make her choices for her. Even if she were to choose you, she will never really be happy about her choice; it will plague her, she will never quite get over what you did to her. Don’t let your ego be so fragile that it needs constant validation by needing her to prefer you over anyone else. I hope I have brought you up to behave like an adult man instead of a spoilt brat.

Love is a beautiful emotion in itself, it is what makes the world go around. If it weren’t for love, I don’t think the human race would have survived and come this far. But love can get ugly too. If love for your own self supersedes your love for other human beings, then that is when things start to go wrong. Learn to love her like your own. Encourage her to achieve her dreams, revel in it when she does. Don’t hold her back in anything. I have taught you to take care of yourself, so when the need arises, I hope you rise to the occasion to not just take care of yourself, but to take care of her too.  Also, don’t make her decisions for her. She is as, if not more accomplished than you are. She is capable enough to handle herself, her life problems and issues. If she asks you for advice, then by all means tell her what you think is right, but don’t meddle unnecessarily in her affairs. Give her space to grow. Let her make her own mistakes and learn from them. Stand by her no matter what. Don’t be the one who says I told you so but the one who says I am here for you. Not just one who says, but one who does because after all my love, actions speak louder than mere words ever can. 

I want to see your eyes light up whenever she walks in a room. Spoil her with your presence, your affection and your love. Never ever feel like you are trying too hard to please her, there is nothing like that. For what all she does for you without you even realizing it, everything that you do for her is always going to fall short of what she does for you. Love her with abandon and watch as the happiness you give her come back to you tenfold. 

Life is too short and youth even more so. So, enjoy it while it lasts, and you cannot enjoy it with anyone else like you can with your life partner. Make sure you lay the foundation of your old age by cementing your relationship with your spouse with love, trust, care and most of all the topmost preference. Your parents can take care of themselves; your siblings have their own families; your friends have other friends – so don’t put your wife on hold for them. Don’t ignore the one who’s going to be with you all through your youth right into your old age. Sow the seed of love and nourish it with your time, energy and effort and watch it grow like Jack’s beanstalk. You will reap more than you can ever imagine. Don’t be caught up in who’s doing what and how much.  It is your seed, in your backyard and the backyard belongs to the both of you equally and remember even if you do more or less – remember when this sapling grows into a tree it will encompass both of you in its shade equally. Water it without overwhelming it, prune it, fertilize it, make sure it is getting enough sunlight, protect it, nurture it and watch it bloom and produce the biggest, brightest, freshest flowers that fill your life with color, fragrance, and beauty. 

My dearest son, I am a grown woman. I have a career, I have hobbies, I enjoy being by myself. Please don’t use me a pawn in your marriage to do what you want to do. I have seen this happen so much with men conveniently using their mothers as the reason not to spend time with their wives, use their mothers to not work hard, use their mother as an excuse for doing what they want to do. Well, I hope you know that I am smarter than that. I will never allow you to do anything close to this, I know that I don’t have to because I would like to think that I have instilled a little bit of common sense in you. If you are man enough to want to do something, do it on your own responsibility – do not drag your mom, your dad, you siblings or any of your friends into it. I am not sure about what others might or might not do, but let me tell you my dearest one, I for one will not allow you hide behind my pallu to get away with things you don’t want to do. 

When I was in 3rd grade, my class did a dance for our school’s annual day. It was a patriotic song from Dilip Kumar’s classic Ganga Jamuna – “Insaaf ki dagar pe bachchon dikaho chalke”. I still remember the choreography to which we danced. There is one line in that song that goes something like – “Apne ho ya paraaye, sab ke liye ho nyaay”. Even at that young age this line impressed me, and I have tried to live by that all my life. Be fair in your dealings with everyone. Doesn’t matter if a stranger is right and your child is wrong – you always side with the right thing and the right person.  The thing with human beings and especially with moms is that somehow, they can never quite decipher that the child they have brought up can do anything wrong even though they are privy to all the weaknesses of their child. Somehow the other person, be it be a friend that the child has had an argument with, a teacher who did not give the child good grades or a spouse who does not get along with them. – somehow conveniently, the other person is always wrong, and your child is the victim. I humbly request you to shake that syndrome away. Doesn’t matter if you don’t even know the person that was wronged and no matter how close the person is to you who is doing wrong. You always side with the right thing and if you don’t really know the state of affairs, then you don’t take sides. You can’t just be on one person’s side because you know him/her. Be fair my child in your dealings even if it involves the woman who has given birth to you. I am a human being too. I make mistakes too. I will not always be right. Just because I am your mom and cooked the most delicious dishes for you does not mean you put me on a pedestal and behave unfairly with your wife. I don’t want to be up there, I wanted to be treated like an ordinary human being – that’s who I am. I have my strengths and my weaknesses, just like your wife. You can’t hold her weakness against my strength and you can’t ignore my short comings in my favor. Be fair my love, no matter who it is, be fair. If I were to teach you one thing in life that’s what I would tell you over and over again – be fair, be very fair.

I think my letter to you has gotten too lengthy. I hope you are not rolling your eyes thinking my mom is so noble and selfless to be doing this. Well my son, simply put, I am not. I am being as selfish as any other person who wants to lead a happy life. There is a saying that goes something like - "a mother is as happy as her least happy child". I think a truer fact has never been stated. There is a slight caveat there though, I just don’t want my children to be happy – I want them to be good human beings. I genuinely believe that you can’t really be happy unless you have a good heart. You will find that one achieves a much higher level of joy when one is content and peaceful than when one is just happy. I want you to be content and peaceful in life so that I can be too. As selfish as that. As you can ascertain, I am just looking out for my happiness! Go ahead my dear, lead a life sans regrets, try to make a heaven in your home, don’t let the devils of ego, jealousy and boredom take root there. They have a tendency to take over the entire heaven that you have so painstakingly built. I wish you the best in life with a reminder that you are responsible for giving your best before you can expect the best and the best of us are those who continue to give their best even when not getting it back in kind.

Best, Your Mom!

PS: And if you think that I am asking you to do too much, let me tell you that I am asking nothing that your wife is not doing for you. You might not have noticed it but it is conditioned in her psyche (and yours) to be doing all this without even asking!